Uzi's Weekday Ruminations 1/20

(Of course, most of what we discuss on this BB is valuable. Fun, irreverent, poignant, scathing, numbing. However, I am going to start using this ol' BB to spew some of the psychological and intellectual vomit that congests my weary mind.)

(Some might be humorous. Some not. Others complete nonsense.)

(Read this and the "Ruminations" that follow, if you like. Respond if you desire. But remember that, most of all, these posts are serving an admirable function for my brain...garbage in; garbage out. Exorcising the demons, so to speak.)

1/20

We are "planning" a wedding. For those that haven't been down this road, or for those who fly off to Bora Bora to have an indigenous shaman complete the nuptial in an odd tongue, in solitude, this phenomenon will seem perfectly benign...perhaps lovely and "blessed."

Not so. Step 1: Reception hall. Step 2: Venue for the "I do." Step 3: Entertainment. Step 4: Photographer. Step 5: Florist. Step 6: Transportation. Step 7: Women's dress. Step 8: Men's dress. Step 9: Table dressings. Step 10: Honeymoon.....Steps 11, 12, 13, 14, 15......27.....39.....51......you get the idea.

Now, many of my esteemed comrades here may know that I am pretty much a one- to five-step man, at best. For instance, I wake (1), I shower (2), I dress (3), I take the animals outside and feed them (4), I drive to work (5). Simplicity is the key to a fulfilling, tolerable existence.

But there is a snag: I share my life with a woman who is a five- to-fifty step individual. For instance, take the same ordinary Monday morning. She wakes (1), she goes back to sleep (2), she wakes (3), she goes back to sleep (4), she wakes (5), she complains about the dogs barking so loud (6), she showers (7), she says the water pressure is light (8), she wraps herself in Cleopatra-like garbs (9), she fucks with her hair for an hour (10), she fucks with the little bit of makeup she wears for a half-hour (11), she dresses (12), she fucks with her hair some more (13), she asks me if she'll "be cold wearing this" (14), she asks me if the dogs have been outside (15), she asks me what I am doing after work (16)........she drives to work (36).

See the pattern?

How am I to cope with something like this?

Well, that is another issue entirely, one that will probably be the subject of a later "Rumination."

So, returning to the wedding plans. I will choose only ONE step: the wedding cake.

My lady, ostensibly at least, values my opinion. "What kind of cake should we have?" Fuck. Now I'm cornered. "Uhhhhh, how about yellow cake, a layer of white chocolate cream, chocolate cake layer, vanilla frosting?" WRONG answer. "Oh, YELLOW cake?" she asks. The answer to this inquiry is simple: Yes, fucking YELLOW cake...I wouldn't have said it if I didn't want to eat it. "I don't know if yellow cake is good with chocolate cake," she replies. Then NEVER ask me again, because the answer will ALWAYS be the same.

And the shapes of the cake. Oh, good Lord, the shapes of the cake. "Honey, which one do you like best?" Here, she shows me three pictures, all of which look EXACTLY the same: A big round layer, a smaller round layer, an even smaller round layer, and these four Doric Greek columns that suspend another layer of cake. "Hmmmmm...which one?" she again asks. "Oh, Christ, baby, they all look the same." WRONG answer. Any idiot would see that there are different fruits or flowers on these three cakes, right? How could I be so incredibly stupid?

In sum, I'm always wrong, and I can more easily build a small thermonuclear device than accurately reflect what my lady wants and "plan" a wedding.

NOTE: Yes, I cannot tell the difference between three cakes. But mind you, this woman would have NO idea if I came home with a blue 1973 Toyota LandCruiser instead of my blue 1978 Jeep CJ-5...Hey, they're both blue.

I suppose everything has a way of balancing, at least in relative terms.

Hey, if at the end of the day the two of you go to bed happy, then all the rest is bullshit.

Uzi,

What you say is very true and humorous! Make it easy on yourself! If most of these trivial things make no difference to you, then practice the phrase, "yes, dear, whatever you say"!!

I hear you with "cake shapes" and all. It seems so insignificant, but to some it is a big deal! But these are little "pains" that go with wedding planning, and one can go nuts trying for "perfection." I'd just leave it to her!

As far as her "extra steps" go, I think the fact that you realize and accept it (I assume), is all part of the "getting to know you" stage. And by your post, seeing the humor in it is a plus in developing a "good" relationship. Good luck to you!

Btw, I can also relate to the "blue car" story. My husband was into cars and was always buying/selling one for another. He really liked the 55 (or was it 56 ) Chevy. He tried to explain to me in detail how I could tell one if I saw it. All I knew is I wanted something the right color, than ran good and looked halfway decent and I was happy!!

TIS

Gee, are you sure you want to get married? If it is like this now, what will it be like years later? Do what my dad use to do Mumble alot and let her do her thing....Other wise you will never make her or yourself happy...

He is hoping that the sex is outof this world....

If not...????

Stallionette, that is good advice, and I will be certain to keep you in mind.

As for you, the bitter, cynical Cam Don, of course I want to get married...this whole fucking thing is MY fault. She never asked for a ring...I just gave it to her.....wait....maybe you're RIGHT, Cam....shiiiiiiitttt.....

I guess I must be at the opposite end of the female spectrum from your Lady cause frugal one that I am I think all the money spent on weddings are a big waste and I would rather use that money for something smart like ( if you are just starting out) a down payment on a home and starting furnishing it, or having a nest egg of money put away.

Uzi - I have nothing against your diary here, but please, just put it all together in one thread. That's all I ask...

Grazie,

JG

Don't Worry UZI...we will help..

Please ! all board member send check or money orders to help with UZI's problems.

My the end of this he will either need bail money when he breaks loose and kills everyone or many months of intensive major therapy.

In any case this takes bucks and I mean major bucks, so give what you can. and you folks in Canada please send extra as your money isn't worth what it once was...

PS if everything goes well and the funds are not needed, a select few of us will use the funds to attend the big event.....No that does not mean you! So don't ask!

I was hoping to make a new thread every day. That way, the old ones disappear into oblivion.

I will, of course, comply with your wishes, but I am sour on the idea now, and my "diary" will be very short-lived. Probably just today's installment.

Thank you for ruining my day, Geoff! Cheers!

Ye GADs, man!! Don't you see, she WANTS you to have a part in the whole planning process!! Logical as Italian Stallionette is, the last thing your fiance wants is to have you say, 'whatever you say'...because then she will complain to her family & friends that "He's not getting involved at all, he shows no interest in any aspect of this wedding!!

This may take a bit of a toll on you, but have you considered asking her to point out what the heck is the difference between all those 'shapes'?? Then at least give her your opinion, even though she will challenge it and go with her own anyway. Do the same with regard to the food, the invitations, the favors, etc. I've never planned a wedding of my own, and do not anticipate doing so. But I've known many a woman who has and about 90% of them are the same. It's supposed to be the biggest day of their lives, they want it to be just right and unless they COMPLETELY mistrust the man's taste and judgement, they want him to show a bit of an interest in the detail.

In short...humor her.

And by the way, you can tell her that the combination of chocolate and yellow cake is just fine, I have seen it done before. For one thing, it looks interesting when sliced. For another thing, it will please those guests who prefer either one or the other. For yet another thing, by the time the cake is cut into thin slivers and served, very few really care because the reception is almost over, the more fun thing is seeing it whole, and ooohing and aaahing over the beauty of it.

Looking forward to more....

Apple

Well, I didn't mean to "ruin" your day Okay, try it your way and let's see what happens. I just figured it'd be easier for new members to catch up with the whole life story...

Oh...it isn't a space issue, Geoff? Well, these "Ruminations" are not really my "story." I don't plan on that...it is just a topic that I will adress from the top of my head, and see where the conversation goes from there. It certainly isn't a biography, if that's what you envisoned...more of a Dennis Miller-esque "rant" for my friends. You, included, certainly. But NOT SC...I don't want that old bastard reading what i writte....I cannot be held responsible if he reads something nasty and has a heart attack

Good God! Do I get a prize for all those typos? What's my problem today?

Oh, okay - I didn't get a chance to read it yet. No problem. Have fun! Keep it clean.

As for the typos... see this? -->

JG

I'm always clean...and my conscience is clear. No, I won't be addressing sodomy and the like, Geoff....I figured you'd have more faith in me after all these years. Traitor.

Uzi write something nasty????? Never happen!!!

When the babies come you will learn to appreciate and depend greatly on her highly-evolved, "do 50 things each morning", advanced multi-tasking ability.

It is why women have the children, and men just grunt and go look for woolly mammoths.

But remember, we are supposed to thank them for hunting for the wooly mammoths!

Thanks, oh yes, for whatever today's equivalent to single and purposeful intent of slaying woolly mammoths is. Just be sure when the time comes to thank the wife for LABOR--the equivalent of passing a bowling ball through coke bottle. Our stomachs didn't come with a zipper you know.

My point is that there might be some sociobiological reason for the differences. I think, I don't know for sure.

(Now would a man end a paragraph like that?)

BUMP

Why?

And for what reason did you bump a thread from over a year ago?

ha. nice bump, actually

Luckily, I have a "hands-on" future mother-in-law and wife, and after I mentioned that "it would be awesome if the decorations were made of beer cans" they rarely talk to me about it.

I thought the ugly bastard returned to talk more crap.

How true Turi, I actually took the time to read the entire post and I thought to myself he got married last year. It was than that I looked at the date of the post realizing someone bumped this thread.

I guess I need another cup of coffee, obviously I'm not awake yet.

Jesus Hadeer, look at the dates! Dead for a year! You've committed the forum equivalent of graverobbing.

Uztopoke has reappeared, look!



"Hadeer, I want to eat your brainssssssss"