Because so many of their street rackets have dissipated in recent years, the Mafia has expanded into more legitimate industry, specifically the house-cleaning business.
Subsequently, the FBI reports from several "confidential" sources that the mob's been bringing in a lot of new guys as "maid men"
As the Carabinieri grill and interrogate Matteo Messina Denaro and further investigate his Mafia organization, its come to light that in recent years he's employed mimes to handle more and more of his strong-arm work and gangland assignments.
Informants have told the Carabinieri thats because Messina Denaro knows that if captured and interrogated, they'll never say one single word to Italian investigators!
Due to their declining racket revenues, the Mafia has decided to modernize itself and bring their criminal activities more up to date. Subsequently, the "Commission" has voted to have all Cosa Nostra Families get into "online" crime.
The FBI has just learned through their informants that the mob has launched a lucrative new App called, "Pay-Up-Pal" -
One more chuckle, to make for a happy Sunday smile! -
Through an informant's tip, the Sicilian Carabinieri were led to the location of a gangland hit, where they soon discovered the massacred body of an unidentified mafioso. Authorities say the Mafia had boiled the man to death in scalding water.
Weekly later, the National Italian Police Forensic Department is still trying to positively Al-Dentefy the body!
Late this afternoon, the New York Office of the FBI posted a press release about a raid that a team of twelve Federal Agents conducted at a tennis club, that Mafia members were supposedly using as a front for their criminal activities.
Among other charges, Federal Prosecutors said all suspects will be charged with "racquet-teering"
A wealthy Italian industrialist was kidnapped by the Mafia, who demanded he tell them where his fortune was hidden.
They tied him to a chair at gunpoint and demanded the location of a large stash of cold cash they knew he had hidden. But he wouldn't tell them one single word!
Despite repeatedly beating and torturing him, after awhile the mafiosi realized that he wasn't going to comply with their demands, so they killed him.
At the gates of Heaven, before letting him in, God and Saint Peter were both there to meet him. They asked the man why he didn't just give his kidnappers the information they wanted, which might have saved his life.
The man frantically responded, "How the heck could I? Those rascals tied up both my hands!" -
The wily "Don" Vito, the Mafia boss of a major city, finally dies of natural causes at the ripe old age of 95. His immediate family held a large public funeral service in his honor, allowing both friends and family, as well as former enemies, to come and pay their respects.
Each attendee took his or her turn approaching his casket, grabbing a handful of earth, then scattered it over his coffin, as they said a prayer. The Chief of Police was also there. He too approached the former boss of bosses, he also grabbed a handful of dirt, scattered it, but then quickly turned away from the coffin crying profusely.
Puzzled, Don Vito's family turned to look at each other, and asked why the heck the police chief was so upset and emotional. Even more so than any of them, his own blood family?
Finally, a newspaper journalist who was also in attendance, walked up to the family and explained, "The Police Chief's upset because he's finally gotten the "dirt" on Vito, but it's too late! Because he could never nail him while the "Don" was still alive. -
Thought I'd post up a bit of a risqué one for today, just for shits and giggles, of course. -
Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard, to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she bent over, Rover took over, and the bitch got a bone of her own! -
Ok, here's a bit controversial one in my opinion (after all, I'm Italian) lol. But fair is fair. We're equal opportunity jokesters here....We make fun of everybody!
Monday Morning's Riddle.... -
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?
One more for the gipper...... - Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife? - A: The prostitute says "are you done yet?" The mistress says "you're not done yet, are you?" And the wife says "beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige" -
A MIDNIGHT CHAT..... - Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest late one night. When one of them says to the other, "I gotta admit, I'm scared shit out here."
The other one replies, "You think you're scared?...I gotta walk all the way back to the car alone!"
The current dismal state of the Italian mob has forced the Mafia Commission to pass a new rule, now allowing men of mixed ethnicities to finally join their ranks. But almost immediately, after being implemented, (as the older "Dons" had predicted and warned), Cosa Nostra started running into operational problems. And their rackets revenues have suffered as a result. A good example was the recent attempted "shakedown" of a business in New York City. - A half Italian, half Chinese mobster went into a store to extort them, but left empty-handed.
He made them an offer that they couldn't even understand.
Ever the unrelenting mob busters, U.S. Prosecutors earlier this afternoon announced that they've finally linked Jesus and his family as affiliated with the Mafia?
In an official press release they claim, that proof positive, his dad was "in fact" the God-Father!
The Mafia hired a new hitman to do a job. But he failed so miserably at it that the Family's "Don" had to fire him after the first job, when it was reported back to the boss that the poor snook had burned his lips on the tailpipe of the car he was ordered to blow up! -
The Italian authorities released a report today about a bridge in the City of Naples that collapsed several days ago, that they now strongly suspect was constructed by a Mafia-tied concrete company.
Authorities became suspicious after they recovered 6 more bodies in the wreckage than was originally reported missing in the collapse.
A Mafia soldier waved down a taxi-cab in Midtown Manhattan. So the taxi driver pulled to the curb to pick up his fare. Once inside the backseat, the mafioso commented that he never saw a fancy Mercedes Benz being utilized as a cab before. He was very surprised by that. He then asked the cabby, "Why is it that the hood ornaments stick out so prominently on Benz's?
Figuring he'd get a laugh or two out of it, the driver then jokingly remarked back, "So it's easier for us to take aim when we're running over innocent pedestrians!" Continuing the gag, the cabby then commented to the hoodlum, "See that old lady trying to cross the street over there? Watch this!" He then quickly hit the gas pedal, racing toward her, but at the very last minute spun his steering wheel, avoiding her.
But the cabby heard a loud thump, and from his rearview mirror saw the elderly woman crash to the pavement anyway. He then nervously quivered, "How the hell did that happen? I made sure I missed her!"
The mafioso then proudly retorted back, "Hey pal, you did completely miss her. But I caught her for you with my rear door!" --
Sunday Shenanigans....I know I'm posting this joke late today. But I figured, "what the hell!" Better late than never! LOL
Recent photographs Donald Trump had taken with reputed Philadelphia mob boss Skinny Joey Merlino and others has spurred the FBI to investigate his possible links to organized crime.
Their probe has uncovered evidence that Trump, has in fact, actually joined the Mafia as a Family "associate." Informants report that the mob has even given Trump his very own street nickname..."Donny Small Hands" -
Recent photographs Donald Trump had taken with reputed Philadelphia mob boss Skinny Joey Merlino and others has spurred the FBI to investigate his possible links to organized crime.
Their probe has uncovered evidence that Trump, has in fact, actually joined the Mafia as a Family "associate." Informants report that the mob has even given Trump his very own street nickname..."Donny Small Hands" -
Tuesday chuckles... - Nowadays, in keeping with the more liberal mindset of many people out there in the world, the FBI has found that even the Mafia is taking a much more casual approach to things.
In fact, Federal authorities document several informants reported that underworld bosses who date both men and women are now being tolerated within the ranks of some Mafia Families.
In other words, they're now letting bi-Dons by bi-Dons...
The father of a little boy in Calabria never really payed attention to his son until several years back, when members of the N'drangheta tried to extort the father for a piece of his stone-cutting business. They kidnapped his young son and held him as leverage and ransom, then demanded a percentage of the man's business for the boy's safe return.
The loving father, of course, ended up paying this ransom and giving up a piece of his hard earned business. He realized that he had always taken the boy for granite!
Vito and Maria were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Vito was a very successful Mafia soldier who was both wealthy and influential, and he wanted to give his wife something extra special for this momentous occasion.
Vito said to his wife, "Maria, because of your unwavering support of me over the years I've was able to become as successful in my career as I have. So this year I wanna give your anything your heart desires. With my money and influence I can get you anything. Just say the word my dear and its yours!"
Maria commented back, "Vito, I would like just two things. First, please, just for a few days, please stop picking your nose, ok?"
Vito thought for a moment, and then said to her, "That's a very tricky thing Maria. I don't know that I can do that for you...But anyway, what is the second thing you'd like?"
Maria then says, "Please, just once, the next time we have sex, can I ride on top?"
Vito contemplates her second request for a moment, and then says back, "I'm so sorry baby, but I don't think I can give you either one of those things you ask."
Maria, surprised at his refusal, asks, "Why Vito? Why? These two things I ask for are so minor, they're such simple requests."
Vito then explains, "When I first started my career in the Mafia, I went to see The Don for such advice. The very first thing he told me was, "Make sure you always keep your nose clean!"
Maria then asks him what the second thing was.
Vito retorted, "He said, make sure you don't fuck up!!"
Happy Friday everybody! Here's a little "TGIF" joke for ya! -
Interpol and the FBI recently learned from informants that the Mafia has infiltrated this years Academy Awards ceremony to insure that only Italian actors will win awards.
So it seems that the Mafia really knows how to "rig a Tony"
A mafioso's little son, (who was himself a mafioso in training,) sat down at his desk to write his Christmas list to Jesus. He starts to write, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a extremely good boy this entire year, so I want a new..." The boy stopped, and then looked down at what he wrote, then quickly crumbled up the note into a ball and threw it away.
The little kid then gets a clean piece of paper and starts to write again, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a very good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at what he wrote, then crumbles it and throws it in the trash bin.
The little mafioso contemplated for a minute before getting an idea. He then got up from his desk and walked into his mother's bedroom. He took the statue of the Virgin Mary off his mother's dresser, put it in his closet, and then locked the door tight.
He walked back to his desk, sat down, took another piece of paper and wrote, "Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever wanna see your mother again..."
FAMILY ADVICE...SICILIAN-STYLE! -- An old Sicilian Mafia boss, Don Vito, was dying. So he called his beloved grandson and namesake Vitone to his bedside. Don Vito explained, "My dear grandson, pleassa lissin to me becausa theresa no much tima left! I wanna for youa taka my trusty .38 caliber revolva so you will alwaysa remember me."
"Young Vitone replied, "But grandpa I really don't like guns. So how bout you leave me your beautiful diamond Rolex watch instead?"
Grandpa waved his hand no, and then quickly retorted back, "You lisina to me! Soma day you goina to be runna da bizzinessa. You goina hava beautiful wifa, lotsa money, a bigga housa, and soma bambinos too!" Don Vito continued, "Soma day maybe youa comma homa to finda you wifa in bed with another man. Watta you gonna doa thena, huh, bigga shotta? Pointa to you watcha and say, "Timesa uppa?"
Mob associate Joey landed a good union job through his buddy Vito, a Mafia soldier and Joey's mob superior. Vito got him on a construction crew that repaired roadways and streets. But Joey wasn't on the job more than one week when the construction foreman fired him after accusing him of theft.
At first Vito couldn't believe it was true. But when he went to see Joey at his house, all the signs were there!
Word on the streets is that soldier Joseph "Joe Bread" Rizzo stole a lot of money from his Mafia Family. The boss allegedly put out the word that from now on, Joe Bread is as good as toast!
An infamous Mafia Family had an especially deadly crew among its membership, known only as "The Four Seasons."
One evening the Family Capo called them in, to discuss his orders for their next job.
"Winter," the Capo began. "I need you to stay nice and cool in the face of pressure. With ice in your veins," he said, patting his trusty soldier on the shoulder.
"Now Summer," he continued. "If the heat becomes too much for Winter, use that fiery temper of yours to make sure the cops remember who they're really working for, and burn that image into their fucking heads." He instructed his second soldier.
"As for you, Spring," he laughed, "this racket is gonna make us a whole lot green." So watch this operation very closely and make sure that this racket keeps growing as we reinvest in it."
"And last, but certainly not least," the Mafia boss continued, as he approached Autumn and gently cupped his face with both hands. "You get them there safely, and just STAY in the getaway car, so that if anything happens..."
"CHRIST, DAD!!!" snapped Autumn. "I know! I know!..Yeah, I GET it! Once again, it looks like I'm the fucking fall guy!"
When I was in Prague last year I was very surprised to learn that they also have a local Mafia organization. In fact, many townspeople I met warned me against venturing into the Mafia's territory. When I said I was totally unfamiliar with the city and wouldn't know where the heck I was walking, they said the local mob always identifies it's territory, and to just keep my eyes open for Czech marks!
Some Thursday Laughs... - An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.
The Irishman says, "You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called O'Malley's where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Malley himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well...where I'm from, there's a place called Russo's where you buy a drink, then Russo buys you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Russo buys you another drink..."
The Pollack then says, "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, then they buy you another drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid!"
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee...that sounds like a great place! Have you ever been there?"
Two old Parisians when the older one asked how many days of the week start with the letter T. The younger one responded with Two - Tuesday and Thursday. The older one asked about Today and Tomorrow and that makes Four :-)
Since at least the early 1900s, one of the Sicilian Mafia's most important rackets has always been their control over the Mediterranean island's ports and fishing industry, which is a multimillion-dollar business.
In fact, the Mafia assigned one particular "capo" to be in charge of the entire lucrative racket for them....scuttlebutt in the underworld is that he's nicknamed the "Codfather"
A mob boss is attending the funeral of his longtime underboss, a man he had called his best friend since the two were kids.
As the service is drawing to a close, the old don spots an FBI agent in the crowd of mourners.
Angered, the boss walks over to the agent and says "What the fuck are you doing here you piece of shit?". Without skipping a beat, the agent goes "Oh I just came to pay my respects. We've been working with Jimmy since 1965."
A mob boss is attending the funeral of his longtime underboss, a man he had called his best friend since the two were kids.
As the service is drawing to a close, the old don spots an FBI agent in the crowd of mourners.
Angered, the boss walks over to the agent and says "What the fuck are you doing here you piece of shit?". Without skipping a beat, the agent goes "Oh I just came to pay my respects. We've been working with Jimmy since 1965."
A mob boss is attending the funeral of his longtime underboss, a man he had called his best friend since the two were kids.
As the service is drawing to a close, the old don spots an FBI agent in the crowd of mourners.
Angered, the boss walks over to the agent and says "What the fuck are you doing here you piece of shit?". Without skipping a beat, the agent goes "Oh I just came to pay my respects. We've been working with Jimmy since 1965."
Then the mob boss replies..
“Ralphie I must admit you are a dumb fuck.”
Only dumb fucks support rats. Keep supporting them kid lol
A mob boss is attending the funeral of his longtime underboss, a man he had called his best friend since the two were kids.
As the service is drawing to a close, the old don spots an FBI agent in the crowd of mourners.
Angered, the boss walks over to the agent and says "What the fuck are you doing here you piece of shit?". Without skipping a beat, the agent goes "Oh I just came to pay my respects. We've been working with Jimmy since 1965."
Then the mob boss replies..
“Ralphie I must admit you are a dumb fuck.”
Only dumb fucks support rats. Keep supporting them kid lol
Assumptions is all you have. You haven’t read the 302’s have you? No you have not so shut your mouth on the matter..
A mob boss is attending the funeral of his longtime underboss, a man he had called his best friend since the two were kids.
As the service is drawing to a close, the old don spots an FBI agent in the crowd of mourners.
Angered, the boss walks over to the agent and says "What the fuck are you doing here you piece of shit?". Without skipping a beat, the agent goes "Oh I just came to pay my respects. We've been working with Jimmy since 1965."
Then the mob boss replies..
“Ralphie I must admit you are a dumb fuck.”
Only dumb fucks support rats. Keep supporting them kid lol
Assumptions is all you have. You haven’t read the 302’s have you? No you have not so shut your mouth on the matter..
These are not assumptions. I would never accuse anyone of being a rat if I wasn't 100% sure. It has been confirmed by someone close to me. You will see. We'll speak then.
One day a Mafia boss asks his right-hand man if he's willing to do anything asked of him. The young soldier replies, "Of course I would. Why, I'd even give my life for you, my beloved capo!'
The Mafia boss then says to him. "Ok then, go into the bathroom, jerk-off, and then bring it out." He then hands his trusty soldier a plastic cup.
Unsure of what's going on, the devoted right-hand man dutifully goes into the bathroom, jerks himself off into the plastic cup, and come out.
The boss then says, "Good, very good. Now go in and do it again. And don't forget to bring it out again to show me," as he hands the soldier a new cup.
So the young mafioso heads back into the bathroom and jerks off once again. He walks out a bit tired, with much less in the cup than the first time around. This routine goes on three more times as the boss watches and remarks, "Very good, very good indeed! You did good, but I want you to go jerk-off one last time."
He hands him a new cup and the soldier returns to the bathroom and does what he was ordered to do.
He's in there awhile, but when the bathroom door finally opens, the young soldier is barely able to walk out. He is all wobbly and half dragging himself. But he wobbles over to his capo and shows him the cup. There is hardly a drop in there.
The Mafia boss is now smiling widely and then says, "Alright Vito, I want you to take my daughter Maria out for pizza and to the movies, and then bring her back safely." -
A Sunday Chuckle...because I know there's been some sad faces out there these last few days. - PLANNING A HIT...
Mafia boss speaks to his minions: "I want Joey's brake lines on his car to be rusting out so he'll crash. But make sure...damn well sure, you make his death look like an oxidant!" -
A group of Italian politicians were flying over Italy...
When the Mayor of Pisa exclaimed, "Look, we're now flying over Pisa!" The other passengers asked, "How can you tell?" Pisa's Mayor replied, "You can see the Leaning Tower."
A little while later the Roman Mayor shouted, "Look everyone, we're now flying over the beautiful City of Roma!" The other passengers asked, "How do you know?" The Roman Mayor proudly responded, "You can see the Coliseum!"
Some time later, the Mayor of Naples cried out, "At last, we're finally flying over Napoli!" The other passengers then inquired, "How can you tell?" Napoli's Mayor calmly replied, "Well. just look at your wrists, all your watches have been stolen." --- Happy Tuesday GBB!
What do red sauce and a mustache have in common to an Italian man? He'll never do either one as good as his Mother's.
Lou, as an Italian, born and bred, I gotta tell ya that was very disturbing!....(but funny) lol
I'm 100% Italian,and that makes it all the more amusing.
I'm only kidding you. A joke's a joke. Some people are way too thin skinned. Unless its an outright insult (and meant to be), like I say, a joke's just a joke. Its all good
What do red sauce and a mustache have in common to an Italian man? He'll never do either one as good as his Mother's.
Lou, as an Italian, born and bred, I gotta tell ya that was very disturbing!....(but funny) lol
I'm 100% Italian,and that makes it all the more amusing.
I'm only kidding you. A joke's a joke. Some people are way too thin skinned. Unless its an outright insult (and meant to be), like I say, a joke's just a joke. Its all good
Tony,Luigi,and Pasquale were working on a construction job.
Every time Luigi took his wheelbarrow to Tony to get bricks,he would load Luigi up so much that he could barely move. When Pasquale took his wheelbarrow up,Tony would only throw in one brick.
This went on for about an hour.
Finally,Luigi got mad and asked Tony,"how come-a you give Pasquale only one brick and you load-a me up?" Tony replied, "me and Pasquale had a bigga fight,and I'm-a still mad at him"
Wednesday Whackyness!... - TAKING YOUR BUCKWHEATS...
Frankie Boy was a fledgling young mafioso who worked directly for the Family boss. He eventually received a promotion and was assigned to the boss' personal security detail.
The boss' daughter soon caught a glimpse of the strapping and handsome young mafioso and decided she wanted a little piece of him for herself. So one evening she called Frankie into her bedroom and began making out with him. But just as they were getting hot and heavy, the boss entered the room and caught them red-handed in the act.
Enraged, he immediately called two of his goons in, and instructed them to take Frankie to be properly "disciplined." They dragged Frankie to another mafioso. A big ugly, and very violent mafioso by the name of Big Al.
They knocked on Big Al's door. He opens it and quickly snarled, "What the fuck do you want? I'm eating my lunch!"
The goons explained, "The boss caught this idiot getting frisky with his daughter. He wants you to break all his teeth and then fuck him in his ass!"
"Ok," replied Al, "just throw him on the floor and I'll handle this after lunch." So the goons threw Frankie to the floor and left.
Now Frankie had been in plenty of fights in his life, and had broken some bones. But he was completely terrified at the prospect of getting ass-fucked. So he tried pleading with Big Al, "Please, come on, man! Can't you just break my teeth and leave it at that? Please don't fuck me in the ass."
"SHUT UP," Yelled Big Al. The boss wants you ass-fucked. So thats it! I'm gonna fuck you in the ass but good! I'm not even gonna use vaseline! LOL, Now shut the fuck up and let me finish my meatball hero," Exclaimed Big Al. - As Frankie became resigned to his fate, he began crying on the floor...Then suddenly, the door opened up again and the goons dragged in another mafioso into the room. They explained to Big Al, "The boss just caught this guy stealing from him. He told us to let you know he wants you to break all his teeth and cut off both his fucking hands too!"
"No problem," said Big Al. "Leave him with me. I'll handle this after I finish lunch."
Now as Frankie and this other guy were on the floor awaiting their fate, the door opened once more. The same goons drag in a third mafioso and tell Big Al, "This fucking stool pigeon was informing to the cops. The boss wants you to break every fucking tooth in his mouth and cut out his fucking tongue as well!"
They throw the rat on the floor next to the other two hapless hoods, and then depart.
Seeing and hearing all this, soon has Frankie thinking. After a few minutes of contemplation, the young hoodlum called out, "Hey Al, just remember pal, I'm the guy that you have to fuck in the ass without vaseline. Make sure you don't forget, ok!"
Saturday Shenanigans... - A father and mother took their young son with them to Europe on vacation and decided to visit a nude beach while they were there.
They didn't want their impressionable young boy to get a distorted viewpoint about beauty, so they told him before they got there, "The men you might see with really big long dicks and the girls with really, really big pointy boobs, well, they're both really, really dumb."
When they got to the beach, they set down a blanket and opened beach chairs and enjoyed the sand and the water. After awhile, they all split up to walk around a bit.
Later on, the mother saw her son and asked where his dad was.
The boy replied, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber and dumber dad seemed to get."
A U.S. Army Sergeant addressed his squad of 25 soldiers saying, "I have a real nice easy job to assign to one of you. And I want the laziest soldier here in the company for this. So raise up your hand if you're the laziest man here!"
Hearing what an easy assignment it was gonna be, 24 men quickly raised up their hands. Seeing this, the sergeant turned to the last soldier and asked him, "Why didn't you raise your hand up soldier?"
The soldier lazily replied, "Too much trouble raising my hand, Sarge." --
Here's a little joke for anyone who may be having a rough one... -- There was a guy who made lots of money selling office supplies like file cabinets, label makers, note pads, etc., to the Mafia.
But I heard he ended up quitting his sales job after the FBI arrested him for being involved with very organized crime!
HE WAS SO CRABBY! - A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
He advised her that he was gonna hold her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and then proceed to rant at her about what would happen if she dared let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was very annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one single hand went up...so she took them home and ate them!
Sunday Shenanigans!... - The head nun of a convent tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So one nun says to the other, "Hey, what do you say, let's take all our clothes off and fold them up neatly, just lock the door, and we'll paint in the nude?
So they do this, and begin to paint their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
The voice says, "Blind man!"
The nuns look at one another, then one says, "He's blind. He can't even see. What could it hurt?" So they let him in.
The blind man walks in, smiles and says, "Hey, great set of tits you got there. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Whacky Wednesday... - After receiving direct orders from Police Headquarters, the Commanding Officer of Police Precinct 212 ordered an immediate crackdown on all neighborhood prostitutes. He instructed his patrolmen, while out on their shifts, to keep their eyes open for any signs of women prostituting themselves.
Less than a half-hour later, cops stopped a young woman riding her bicycle and quickly placed her under arrest for promoting prostitution.
Later at her arraignment, she told the judge that she tried protesting but the arresting officers said, "That they had seen me pedaling my ass all over town!" -
The Sicilian rescue squad was called to the palatial estate of an elderly mob boss for an apparent heart attack the mafioso had had.
By the time the squad got there it was too late and the mafioso had died.
While consoling the mistress, one of the recusers noticed that the bed was a mess.
He asked the young woman what symptoms "Don Vito" had suffered and if anything had precipitated the old man's heart attack.
The sultry mistress replied, "Well, Vito and I were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming...but I guess he was going!" -
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS ATTEND MASS!... - One Palm Sunday, a little boy named Peppino had a sore throat and had to stay home from church with his babysitter. When the rest of his family returned home, they were carrying palm branches. Little Peppino asked his papa what they were for?
His father, Don Vito, explained to him that the townspeople held them over Jesus' head as he walked by.
In a sad, disappointed voice, the little boy replied, "Wouldn't you know it! The one Sunday I miss, Jesus shows up!" -
For those of you who celebrate...Happy Palm Sunday!
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS ATTEND MASS!... - One Palm Sunday, a little boy named Peppino had a sore throat and had to stay home from church with his babysitter. When the rest of his family returned home, they were carrying palm branches. Little Peppino asked his papa what they were for?
His father, Don Vito, explained to him that the townspeople held them over Jesus' head as he walked by.
In a sad, disappointed voice, the little boy replied, "Wouldn't you know it! The one Sunday I miss, Jesus shows up!" -
For those of you who celebrate...Happy Palm Sunday!
A husband always insisted on making love to his wife in the dark.
After 20 years, his wife decided she'd had enough of this and decided to turn on a light during one of their sex romps. She found him holding a huge vibrator.
She immediately went ballistic, screaming, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Her husband looked her straight in the eyes and calmly retorted, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
Saturday's Shenanigans... - The Mafia Commission decided to reduce the amount of killings it orders so as to keep a lower profile and avoid police investigations.
To this end, mob bosses have actually increased the ruthless nature of usurious loan collection methods, ordering all loan-sharks to employ more torturous ways of collecting the weekly "vig" on outstanding loans.
They've passed the order to their strong-arm men to always use sharp, pointy needles to torture debtors so that tremendous pain can be inflicted without actually killing their victims.
Oddly enough, this line of thinking has worked. Underworld informants now report that all borrowers now repay their loans promptly....which had led to much fewer pointless murders. -
ButtonGuys wants to wish everyone who celebrates, a very healthy and Happy Easter!
And to our Jewish friends, a very healthy and Happy Passover!
While examining the recently deceased corpse of former Sicilian Mafia boss Girolamo Minore, the attending mortician noticed that Minore had the largest penis he'd ever seen on a man.
"I'm very sorry, Don Minore," respectfully replied the mortician to his expired subject, "But I can't send 'all' of you to be cremated with such a tremendously large penis such as this. Your penis, my dear mafioso friend, must be saved for posterity."
The mortician then proceeded to remove Minore's penis. He then slid it into a long jar and placed it in his briefcase. When he got home, he decided to show the unique specimen to his wife.
"My dear, I have something to show you that you're not gonna believe, even with your own eyes," he said. The smiling mortician then removed the jar from his briefcase and placed it directly in front of his wife.
She took one glance, the blood immediately drained from her face, and she screamed out, "Oh dear God, no, Minore is dead!"
An Easter "Special" - A man, his wife, and his extremely annoying mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law had a sudden heart attack and passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped back home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it for a few minutes and then replied, "A man died here about 2000 years ago. He was buried here and then three days later, he rose from the dead."
"I just can't take that chance!" -
We thought this was so cute, that we just had to share it with all of you.
A Tuesday Tickler.... - THE PRIEST & THE TAXI DRIVER
A Catholic Priest and a taxi driver both died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter was there at the pearly gates waiting for them.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could possibly imagine, from a bowling alley to an Olympic sized swimming pool.
"Oh my word, thank you so much," exclaimed the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack that held only a bunk bed and a small black-n-white television set.
Saint Peter turned to leave, but the priest cried out, "Wait, I think you are a little mixed up here. Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest, devotedly went to church every single day, and preached God's word!"
"Yes, that's all true." replied Saint Peter. "But during your Sunday sermons the people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!" -
A little chuckle to start our week... - Little Frankie was walking along the beach one day when he spotted a dirty corked-up bottle wash up on the shoreline.
Out of curiosity he picked it up and rubbed it clean.
A Genie suddenly appeared, and said, "Little boy, thank you letting me out of this bottle. It seems I've been trapped in here forever. To show my gratitude, I will grant you one wish of your choosing....any wish at all"
Little Frankie thought for a moment about how poor his family was, and then asked, "Please make my daddy win Lotto!"
The Genie replied, "Your wish is my command!"
Two days later, Little Frankie came into his house all excited and yelled out to his mommy and daddy, "Our landscaper Joe just won $10 million dollars on the lottery!"
- The Feds have recently discovered a sophisticated new racket that's fast becoming the rage among various crime families throughout the nation.
An FBI spokesman stated the Mafia has established a company that's selling food franchises to investors under the catchy theme "Happy Days" Restaurants that authorities are now investigating for paying existing investors with new investors money.
The U.S. Justice Department is referring to this as the world's first "Fonzie Scheme.'
A U.S. Army drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away he turned to the cadet and said, "I'm guessing that when I die you'll come and dance on my grave, huh maggot?"
But the young cadet quickly retorted back, "Not me Sarge, No way! No how! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!" -
Hope everybody has a very nice day for themselves...
At the pearly gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that The Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and become anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."
And "poof" she's gone!
The second nuns says, "I'd like to be Madonna."...and 'poof' she's gone too!
The third nun says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."
Looking perplexed, St. Peter asked her, "Who's that?"
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry sister, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
So the nun reaches into her habit and pulls out a newspaper clipping and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and then starts laughing. He hands the news clipping back to her and says, "No sister, the article says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he's sipping on his beer he notices a tiny piano and a very little man standing beside it. The little fellow soon starts playing the piano beautifully.
The man cannot believe his eyes.
Curious, the man asks the bartender, "Where did you get that little piano player from?"
The bartender smiles and then replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who can grant any wish. Wanna give it a try pal?
Excited, the man rushes to the back and finds the genie. "I want a million bucks!," he exclaims.
The genie nods and suddenly disappears into thin air. Within seconds, the bar is filled with loud quacking sounds.
The man looks around to find a million ducks flying into the bar and making a huge mess.
Now frustrated and all covered in feathers, the man storms back to the bartender yelling, "What the hell is wrong with you man? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The bartender shrugs his shoulders and says, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Hoodlum, Who am I, Siskel & Ebert? LOL....But since you insist, here goes nothing!
For me? In my humble opinion, Mean Streets is one of the best mob pictures ever made. Many critics say that it's really not a mob movie at all. But IMO those people would be dead wrong.
Although Martin Scorcese was just a young kid himself back then, and a struggling filmmaker at that, and Mean Streets was a low-budget film, Scorcese completely nailed it! He showed the REAL daily life and antics of knockaround guys from the neighborhood aspiring to become goodfellas. And the performances by ALL those young guys, DeNiro, Keitel, Provall, Carradine, etc., etc., was outstanding and believable.
I'm not even sure the movie ever won any type of awards (they may have, or maybe not). But for sure, it has become a "cult" movie of sorts. And has grown in popularity over the years. -- Now I gotta ask you the same question...What do you think about the movie?
My girlfriend recently left me because of my pasta fetish. But because I'm Italian and grew up on the stuff, I really just couldn't help myself, ya know?
I do miss her. But still, right now? I gotta admit that I'm feeling cannelloni... -
An excited newlywed wife said to her husband as he returned home from work one day, "I have great news for you sweetheart. Pretty soon, there's gonna be three of us living here, instead of two."
With a big smile on his face, her husband quickly ran to embrace and kiss her. He was glowing with happiness and a twinkle in his eye when she said, "I'm so glad you feel this way darling, because tomorrow morning my mother will be moving in with us permanently."
Whacky Wednesdays... - Two neighbors were talking teach other. One says, "Do you know that my dog's so smart, that he waits for the newspaper to be dropped at my doorway each morning and then brings it right to me?"
The other neighbor remarks, "Definitely. I know that very well. Because afterwards, he's comes and tells me about it.' --
Did you hear about the guy who had a family dog named Cigarette?
Unfortunately, the dog was born without any legs. But his owner loved him so, that every night after dinner, the guy would take him out front for a drag.
- ...One more joke for the Gipper, ok fellas? -
Fatso Fogarty had gotten so fat over the years that he was now tilting the scales at over 400 pounds, and his health was starting to really suffer. Many members of his immediate family were obese as well and he feared that maybe it runs in his bloodline. So he decided to get an expert opinion about his condition. He went to see Dr. Ubatz.
When Fatso was finally called into the doctors examination room he immediately asked the physician if obesity ran in his family.
Dr. Ubatz only had to take one look at him and then replied, "Mr Fogarty, the problem isn't that obesity runs in your family." "The problem is that nobody runs in your family!" -
Sunday Side Splitters... - A man was getting extremely frustrated trying to find a parking space in Midtown Manhattan during the height of the business day rush. After almost an hour of this nonsense, he was really starting lose it...He finally looks up and prays, "Please God, I can't take this anymore. If you'll just open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up booze and broads and go to Sunday Mass each and every week, without fail!"
Suddenly, all the clouds in the sky part and the sun shines down directly on an empty parking spot along the curb in front of him.. Without hesitation the man exclaims, "Never mind Lord, I already found one!" -
Harold, an extremely wealthy, 65-year old widower, showed up at his private Country Club one afternoon in the company of a young, absolutely breathtakingly beautiful 24-year old woman.
As she walked across the room she knocked every guy off his feet with her gorgeous face and hourglass figure. When she spoke, her youthful charm and carefree giggle was irresistibly alluring.
She seemed glued to Harold, tightly hanging onto his arm and seemingly memorized by every word he spoke. She giggled at his jokes and hugged him all night long like there was no tomorrow.
The entire evening all his buddies looked on intently and couldn't believe their eyes. This girl was a dream come true!
They finally cornered him and asked, "Harold, how the hell did you ever land such a trophy girlfriend?"
Harold replied, "Oh, she's not my girlfriend. She's my wife."
Now totally floored by what they just heard, his friends asked, "Your wife? How in the world did you ever persuade such a hot lady to marry you?"
Harold said, "I just lied about my age."
Laughing, his friends then asked, "What did you have to tell her Harold, that you were only 45?"
Harold smirked and said, "No, I told her that I was 90!"
Hoodlum, Who am I, Siskel & Ebert? LOL....But since you insist, here goes nothing!
For me? In my humble opinion, Mean Streets is one of the best mob pictures ever made. Many critics say that it's really not a mob movie at all. But IMO those people would be dead wrong.
Although Martin Scorcese was just a young kid himself back then, and a struggling filmmaker at that, and Mean Streets was a low-budget film, Scorcese completely nailed it! He showed the REAL daily life and antics of knockaround guys from the neighborhood aspiring to become goodfellas. And the performances by ALL those young guys, DeNiro, Keitel, Provall, Carradine, etc., etc., was outstanding and believable.
I'm not even sure the movie ever won any type of awards (they may have, or maybe not). But for sure, it has become a "cult" movie of sorts. And has grown in popularity over the years. -- Now I gotta ask you the same question...What do you think about the movie?
All I can say is I can still watch it as I have been 4 the last 20 yrs. & still get something out of it each & every time...luv it!.
News reporters just announced on television that police have put out an all-points bulletin for an escaped convict from Attica State Prison. Authorities describe him as a midget psychic on the loose.
Vito decided to finally go see an ophthalmologist because he'd been seeing little clusters of bugs, for quite awhile now, darting back and forth across his eyes playing soccer.
After giving him a preliminary eye exam, Dr. Umberto Ubatz replied, This could be a serious condition Vito. It looks like you'll need to get an MRI scan, and I don't wanna wait. If you like, I could make a special appointment for you, and slip you in this coming Sunday”.
Upon hearing this, Vito was stunned, and quickly retorted, "Are you nuts doc? Sunday starts the finals, and I got a ton of money riding on the game."
One lovely summer afternoon an Italian couple took their two kids to the beach in Napoli. They parked their car close to the seaside, unload their swimsuits, towels and buckets and happily walk to the beach. As they sat down on the sand, Armando (the dad), suddenly remembered that he left his sunglasses in the car. "Honey, I'll be right back, I just gotta go grab my glasses, I left them in the car."
He gets to the car, jumps in and shuts the door behind him as he starts looking for is glasses. Armando leaned down to look under the seats and in the various compartments. As he does this he realizes the car is slowly raising in height on one side.
Confused, he rolls down the windows and looks outside to see what's going on. A man, who apparently hadn't noticed the car was occupied, had lifted the vehicle with a car jack and was starting to unscrew the wheels. Armando, realizing the man was obviously trying to steal his tires, yells "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Startled, the thief looked up at him, paused for a moment, then whispers to Armando in a reassuring tone, "Ok paisano! Ok! I takka the wheels, you takka the radio."
Happy Memorial Day weekend! God rest their brave souls.
Btw, what's the difference between a magician and a Mob researcher?
- the magician pulls rabbits out of hats, while the mob researcher pulls shit out of rats.
Cheers
Yes indeed Toodoped. Thats the most important thing...May each and every one of them rest in peace, and may God bless all their souls. Where would any of us be without their unwavering bravery and sacrifice? I dread to think of it.
Some Sunday Shenanigans.... - One Sunday morning during recess, Miss O'Malley found that one of her young students was making faces at some of the other kids on the playground. So she decided to stop and have a little talk with the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School Teacher said, "Anthony, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would eventually freeze up and stay that way."
Little Anthony pondered for a moment, then looked up at her and replied, "Well, after all Miss O'Malley, you can't say that you weren't warned."
A very elderly couple were attending church one Sunday. When halfway through the service the wife leaned over and whispered in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
The husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
Although today is a somber day of remembrance, I thought several of these quips, in honor of our past heroes, was appropriate to the occasion. - Q: How do you get rid of Germans fascists?
A: Von by von. ----
Q: What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Osama Bin Laden?
A: Mike Tyson can take a shot to the head. ----
Q: How did Adolf Hitler instruct his troops to tie their shoes?
Btw...an old lady walked into a dentist's office, and suddenly took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. Completely confused, the dentist said "I think you have the wrong room." And so the old lady replied "You put in my husband's teeth last week right?! Now you have to remove them doctor."
Btw...an old lady walked into a dentist's office, and suddenly took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. Completely confused, the dentist said "I think you have the wrong room." And so the old lady replied "You put in my husband's teeth last week right?! Now you have to remove them doctor."
Thats hysterical...a very cute joke. (I gotta remember that one) Lol
Btw...an old lady walked into a dentist's office, and suddenly took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. Completely confused, the dentist said "I think you have the wrong room." And so the old lady replied "You put in my husband's teeth last week right?! Now you have to remove them doctor."
Thats hysterical...a very cute joke. (I gotta remember that one) Lol
The most funny thing for me is that I have this friend who is a dentist....lets say from Europe...who sends me a New Year card every year with always the same joke lol
Tuesday Chuckles...and some food for thought! -- A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “sorry, but we don’t serve food here!" - Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field. - Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match - Q: Why should you never write with a broken pencil?
Thursday's Laugh of the Day!... - An unfaithful wife was having a romp in her marital bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. The guy got nervous, but she said, "Stay right where you are," she told her lover. "My husband's usually so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
But a few minutes later...after her husband stumbled into bed, through his drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out from the covers at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife and said, "Hey, there's six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What the hell is going on here?"
His wife retorted, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better standing over there."
So the husband climbed out of bed and started to recount from the corner of the room, "One, two, three, four. I'm sorry dear, you were right."
The wife then said, "See honey. Now why don't you come to bed and get some sleep dear."
Freaky Friday...TGIF - A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony...On his first day there, he takes off all his clothes and goes wandering off to see what's around.
A gorgeous naked blonde soon walked by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman noticed his erection, and comes over to talk with him, saying, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. There's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then led him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, and eagerly pulled him to her, and then happily let him have his way with her.
After awhile, they were done. So the man, now completely satisfied and smiling widely, decided to continue exploring the colony's facilities. He entered a sauna and, as he sat down, he farted...Within minutes a huge hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy gargantuan.
"No, what do you mean?" asked the newcomer. "You must be new here," exclaimed the hairy fellow. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge burly fellow then forcefully spun him around, bent him over a bench and had his way with the startled man.
When the gargantuan was finally finished doing his business, the dazed newcomer staggered back to the colony office, where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" asked the receptionist.
The man yelled, "Here's my membership card. You can also have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee as well."
"But sir," she replied, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't even had a chance to see all our facilities yet!"
The man angrily retorted, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart at least 10 times a day. "I'm outta here!"
Mr. O'Malley started noticing that he felt extremely under the weather certain days of the week, while on other days, he consistently felt great. So he decided to make an appointment with his physician to see what was wrong with him.
After arriving at the doctor's office and sitting in the waiting room for a few minutes, he was finally called into the examination room. Dr. Vinny Boombotz asked him, "So what's wrong Mr. O'Malley?"
Well, O'Malley replied, "Why do I consistently always feel so great on Saturdays and Sundays, but feel so sick on all the other days of the week?
So Dr. Boombotz said, "Let me take a good look at you and see what's going on here." The doctor then proceeded to give O'Malley a thorough examination. When he was done, he reviewed his notes in silence for a few minutes while rubbing his chin....
"Mr. O'Malley," exclaimed the doctor. I'm not positive, but from all indications it looks like you're suffering from a weekend immune system! -
Q: Although Dracula was eternal and nocturnal. He simply loved the nighttime...He did have certain days that he liked better than others. So I ask you this. What was the one day that he always hated?
A quick joke for the day! - The FBI was conducting round-the-clock surveillance on a suspected Mafia soldier named Vito, so the boss of his Family provided him with a phony legitimate job as a welder as a cover for his illicit racket activities. The boss told Vito to report to this job daily, in the hope it would throw the FBI Agents off his trial.
One day while at work, although he had no experience at welding and didn't even have to do any work, Vito decided to try his hand at welding. But he soon screwed up and accidentally welded two crucifixes together. He tried keeping this sacrilege under wraps, but Vito's boss found out anyway.
The boss was said to be infuriated by Vito's double cross.
Ah, what the heck! One more for today, just for the fun of it... -
One evening two mob arsonists, 'Joey the Torch' and 'Vinny the Match' got together to have a few drinks at a local bar. Pretty soon, the conversation came around to discussing their nefarious work and comparing notes, when Joey commented to Vinny, "Did you hear about the big fire I set last night at the circus?"
Antonino, the 11-year old son of a Sicilian Mafia boss enters the village barber shop. Pietro the barber, whispers to his customer Angelo, "I would never say this out loud for fear of insulting "Don" Vito and incurring his wrath, but you gotta admit Angelo, his son Antonino is the dumbest kid in our entire village. He's not cut from the same cloth as his father. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, he then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, Antonino?" The boy looks at the barber's hands, reaches for the quarters, then smiles and leaves. "See! What did I tell you?" exclaims Pietro the barber. "That kid never learns! He's dumb as dirt!"
Later, after Angelo had gotten his haircut and left the barbershop, he spotted young Antonino coming out of the gelato shop.
He called out to the boy, "Antonino, 'vieni qui.' come here! Can I ask you a question? Why did you only take the quarters instead of the full dollar bill"
The young mafioso took a lick of his gelato cone, smiled wryly, and then replied: "Because the day I take the dollar bill from Pietro, this little racket I got going with him will be over!" -
“Can you please make me two with everything on them,” asked the Buddhist of the tofu hot dog vendor. Then, after getting his tofu hot dogs, the Buddhist handed the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor took the money, turned his back, and then began helping the next customer standing in line. Puzzled, the Buddhist asked the vendor, “Hey, where is my change?" The vendor replied, “Don’t you know, change comes from within!”
“Can you please make me two with everything on them,” asked the Buddhist of the tofu hot dog vendor. Then, after getting his tofu hot dogs, the Buddhist handed the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor took the money, turned his back, and then began helping the next customer standing in line. Puzzled, the Buddhist asked the vendor, “Hey, where is my change?" The vendor replied, “Don’t you know, change comes from within!”
Absolutely terrible joke. I wouldn't even tell it to a child!!! You were doing so good
A mountain climber fell off a remote cliff, and, as he tumbled down the mountain he was able to catch hold of a small branch to cling onto. "Help! Is there anybody up there? Help!" he shouted.
Just then a majestic voice boomed throughout the skies echoing, "I will help you, my son. But first you must show me that you have complete faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you! Just please save me“ cried out the man.
“So be it my son. Then I tell you now, just let go of the branch, and you will be saved,” echoed the voice.
There was a long pause…then man shouted up one last time, “No offense, but isn't there anybody else up there?" -
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PEOPLE...IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU SEE IT!
An American businessman was by the waterfront piers of Castellammare del Golfo, a small fishing village in Northwestern Sicily, when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large tuna. The American approached him and complimented the fisherman on the size and quality of his fish and asked how long it took for him to catch them. The Sicilian replied that it only took a few hours. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's needs and desires.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Sicilian replied, "I like to sleep late, maybe fish a little, play with my children, enjoy my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening, and then stop into my favorite little cafe, where I sip some wine and play my mandolino with my amicos…I have a very full and busy life, Signore.”
The American scoffed at the Sicilian’s answer. "I am a Wharton MBA and I really could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the profits from the bigger boat you could buy several more boats. Eventually you would have a large fleet of fishing boats. Then, instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor. You would eventually be able to open your own cannery. You would control the product, the processing, and the distribution.
But you would need to leave this small village and move up to the City of Rome, then onto the United States, where you would eventually relocate to New York City, which would allow you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Sicilian fisherman asked, "But how long would all this take?"
To which the American replied, “About 15 to 20 years."
“And then what?,” inquired the Sicilian.
The American laughed sarcastically and then commented, “Well, you see, that's the very best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your entire company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions of dollars.”
"Millions of dollars? Then what?,” asked the Sicilian.
The American, incredulous of the Sicilian's ignorance, then said, "Then you could retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you could sleep late, maybe fish a little, play with your kids, have fun with your wife, stroll into the village in the evenings, find a nice little cafe, and sip wine and play your mandolin with your friends to your hearts desire." -
It's a beautiful light breezy and sunny day in New York. I'm looking forward to it. Hope everybody enjoys their day as well.
Nine year old Guido is sitting on a park bench with a bag full of candy bars,eating one after another.
A stranger sits next to him,and after a minute or so says, "kid, eating candy like that ain't good for you. You're gonna rot your teeth,get fat and maybe even get diabetes."
Guido answers "well my grandfather lived to be 103 years old"
The man says "oh,did he eat a lot of candy"?
Guido says "no,he minded his own fuc#ing business!"
After receiving leads from several police informants, the DEA started a major drug investigation into a Mexican tortilla factory suspected of having ties to the Mexican Mafia?
But they later discovered it was only a shell company. -
THE DEBUT
Q: What do you say to a rookie mob enforcer on his first day?
A: "Break a leg." -
MAFIA LIFE INSURANCE
Irving was thinking about hiring Vito, a hitman from a local Mafia Family to murder his former business partner. But he cautiously wanted to interview the hitman first to make sure everything would go as planned.
So Irving asked, "How do I know that you won't just take my money, then let him pay you twice as much to come back here and kill me?"
Vito the hitman leaned back in his chair, smiled and said, "Well Irving, you can always get the extra life insurance policy."
"The extra life insurance policy?" asked Irving.
Vito replied, "Yeah. For five times the murder fee I originally asked you for, I can guarantee you that the other guy will no longer be able to afford me."
A woman was having a torrid daytime affair, while her husband was away at work each day. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend, when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God…hurry! Grab all your clothes and jump out of the window. My husband’s home early! If he catches us here in bed, naked, he’ll surely kill us both! She shrieked.
Her lover retorted, “But it’s pouring rain outside.”
She replied, “Rain? My husband’s got a real hot temper and he carries a gun. So believe me, the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped right out the window. Now naked, he started running in the road, away from the house, until he saw a marathon of 300 runners ahead of him. So he caught up to them and just started running alongside them, pretending nothing was wrong.
Although he was completely naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried his best to blend into the crowd.
After awhile, a small group of runners were smiling while curiously watching him. One runner moved up alongside him and commented, “Do you always run naked?”
The boyfriend replied, “Oh yes! It feels so wonderfully free!”
The other runner then asked, “And you always run while carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh yes,” answered the boyfriend breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed quickly right after each run, get in my car, and then go home!”
The other runner cast his eyes a little lower, smiled, and then asked, “Really now. And do you always wear a condom when you run?”
The boyfriend retorted, “Nope…just when it’s raining out!”
An alcoholic, a nymphomaniac, and a stoner all died and went up to Heaven. But when they got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter completely lost his temper.
He said, “I’m so sick and tired of all you sinners being allowed into Heaven just because you went to church every Sunday. So, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to see if you really deserve to be in Heaven. I’m going to lock each of you in your own rooms with your favorite vice of choice. If you can stay in there for one full year without touching or indulging it, then I’ll consider you worthy and let you in.”
So, St. Peter set the alcoholic up in a room with a long bar that stretched as far as the eye can see, and all its shelves were stocked with the finest liquors ever made.
He then set the nympho up in a room that was full of gorgeous, sultry, flirtateous virgins. There was even a heart-shaped bed for them to romp in.
Lastly, the stoner was set up in a room that had a never-ending supply of the best marijuana, and all the rolling papers and pipes he needed to indulge.
Saint Peter then let an entire year go by. Afterwards, he decided it was time to check up on the three of them and see how everything is going.
He went to the alcoholic first. When he opened the door, the alcoholic was completely passed out on the floor, and every single drop of liquor had been drank. So St. Peter immediately sent the alcoholic straight to hell.
Next, St. Peter went to the nympho. As he opened the door he saw everyone lying about naked, completely exhausted from sex. There were stains on the bed, and sex toys strewn all over the room. So he immediately sent the nympho to hell.
Finally, he went to the stoners room, and as St. Peter opened the door, he noticed that the stoner was just sitting there quietly, sober and clear-eyed as he could be. Not a single weed of marijuana had been touched.
St. Peter was completely startled, exclaiming, “Oh my God. Of the three of you, you were the one I least expected to be able to succeed at their task. How did you do it?”
Highway Patrolman: You were going very fast ma'am. Female Driver: Sorry officer, I was just trying to keep up with the traffic. Highway Patrolman: But there isn't any traffic. Female Driver: I know!...Thats how far behind I am!
During the many years The Chicago Crime Commission investigated 'Scarface' Al Capone and his syndicate they were surprised to discover that, on occasion, Al and his men would pack up and go into the woods camping.
Suspecting that Capone and his gang were up to no good during these woodland jaunts, the Chicago Crime Commission started another probe of these campsites, labeling the investigation, "Criminal In-tent"
Q: How do Gangsters communicate and receive information?
A: G-Mail
U do try hard , I'll give u that my man....I like ur storied ones better..luv Hood
Lol...I do try Hoodlum. I do try!
And I'll try and pull a few more good stories from my sock. But ya know, ya gotta mix it up a bit sometimes. Some long and in-depth jokes for those folks that enjoy that sort of thing. And short one-liners for those with less patience. lol
Sorry Hoodlum...but I just couldn't resist this one. -
Q: Why did Frankie jump in the shower and scrub down good, right after pulling off a major heist?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway!
OK...not bad...the last time I heard a joke was bad , I mean f..ked up...." what do u call 1 whitey in a tree full of monkeys"......Branch Manager....Now thats fucked up..that was 30 years ago........
Sorry Hoodlum...but I just couldn't resist this one. -
Q: Why did Frankie jump in the shower and scrub down good, right after pulling off a major heist?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway!
OK...not bad...the last time I heard a joke was bad , I mean f..ked up...." what do u call 1 whitey in a tree full of monkeys"......Branch Manager....Now thats fucked up..that was 30 years ago........
Lol. Yes, I'd say not the most 'appropriate' joke to tell.
I'll try and pull a real good one from my bag of tricks for the next joke posted ok
A Mormon and an Irishman had boarded an airplane and had just taken their seats. The Mormon was seated right next to the Irishman on a direct flight from London to New York.
After the plane was airborne, the stewardess came around to take drink orders. So the Irishman asked for a double whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed on the tray in front of him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He quickly replied in disgust, "Liquor? I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let any liquor ever touch my lips."
Hearing what the man said, the Irishman immediately handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't realize that we had a choice."
A Mormon and an Irishman had boarded an airplane and had just taken their seats. The Mormon was seated right next to the Irishman on a direct flight from London to New York.
After the plane was airborne, the stewardess came around to take drink orders. So the Irishman asked for a double whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed on the tray in front of him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He quickly replied in disgust, "Liquor? I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let any liquor ever touch my lips."
Hearing what the man said, the Irishman immediately handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't realize that we had a choice."
-- How was that one Hoodlum, a bit better? Lol
I think that joke could somewhat work if Don Rickles told it, but it's not a high caliber joke by any means. It's borderline lousy actually. I personally don't think people like to read jokes. Some can work, but good verbal delivery can elevate even lousy jokes.
BLACK BART - THE MURDEROUS BANDIT!... - Back in the Wild West, the people of a small town were having a good time at the local saloon, when suddenly a townsman rushed into the saloon and yells, "Everybody better run! The notorious Black Bart, the murderous bandit is a comin' to town!"
Right away everyone started panicking, dropped their drinks, grabbed their ten-gallon hats, and ran out the door as fast as they could. But the bartender noticed that one man was still sitting at a back table, slowly sippin' his beer.
So the barkeep yelled out, "What are you, deaf man? Didn't you hear? Black Bart's on his way! You're better hightail it out of here, and quick!!
But the man casually replied, "Sure, I will. But hold your horses. I just wanna finish this here cold beer first, then I'll be on my way."
The bartender retorted, "Suit yourself man, but I'm gettin' outta here," and the barkeep ran out, leaving him behind.
The cool customer then took his last sip, put down his mug and grabbed his hat, and was about to stand up from the table when he noticed a tall dark stranger, dressed in all black, blocking the saloon's entranceway. He suddenly realized the true danger he was in, and thought to himself, "Well, it looks like this is it, I'm done for".
But instead of the stranger pulling out his six-shooter, the stranger just walked up to him, unzipped his chaps, took his private part out of his pants and then said, "Suck on this, pardner!"
Our hero looked the stranger in the eye, then looked down and saw what the stranger wanted, then looked up again into the stranger's determined eyes and furrowed brow, then glanced down once more at the man's privates.
The beer drinker, who was not gay, was completely repulsed at the stranger's request and scared to comply. But he was even more frightened to think what might happen to him if he didn't, so he dropped to his knees and proceeded to do what the stranger demanded of him.
After a few minutes the stranger said, "Faster man, faster. Suck that thing!"
So the man picked up the pace. But the stranger still wasn't satisfied and demanded he do it even faster, "Come on! Faster! Quick!er! I know you can do better than that!!"
The man, still in fear for his life, but now also pissed off, spit the stranger's private part from his mouth and screamed, "Why the hell do you have to be so damn impatient??"
The tall dark stranger was completely surprised by the beer drinker yelling back at him, retorted, "Impatient? We don't have much time left, so you'd better finish me up quick, pal! Didn't you hear? Black Bart, the murderous bandit is gonna be here any minute now!"
BLACK BART - THE MURDEROUS BANDIT!... - Back in the Wild West, the people of a small town were having a good time at the local saloon, when suddenly a townsman rushed into the saloon and yells, "Everybody better run! The notorious Black Bart, the murderous bandit is a comin' to town!"
Right away everyone started panicking, dropped their drinks, grabbed their ten-gallon hats, and ran out the door as fast as they could. But the bartender noticed that one man was still sitting at a back table, slowly sippin' his beer.
So the barkeep yelled out, "What are you, deaf man? Didn't you hear? Black Bart's on his way! You're better hightail it out of here, and quick!!
But the man casually replied, "Sure, I will. But hold your horses. I just wanna finish this here cold beer first, then I'll be on my way."
The bartender retorted, "Suit yourself man, but I'm gettin' outta here," and the barkeep ran out, leaving him behind.
The cool customer then took his last sip, put down his mug and grabbed his hat, and was about to stand up from the table when he noticed a tall dark stranger, dressed in all black, blocking the saloon's entranceway. He suddenly realized the true danger he was in, and thought to himself, "Well, it looks like this is it, I'm done for".
But instead of the stranger pulling out his six-shooter, the stranger just walked up to him, unzipped his chaps, took his private part out of his pants and then said, "Suck on this, pardner!"
Our hero looked the stranger in the eye, then looked down and saw what the stranger wanted, then looked up again into the stranger's determined eyes and furrowed brow, then glanced down once more at the man's privates.
The beer drinker, who was not gay, was completely repulsed at the stranger's request and scared to comply. But he was even more frightened to think what might happen to him if he didn't, so he dropped to his knees and proceeded to do what the stranger demanded of him.
After a few minutes the stranger said, "Faster man, faster. Suck that thing!"
So the man picked up the pace. But the stranger still wasn't satisfied and demanded he do it even faster, "Come on! Faster! Quick!er! I know you can do better than that!!"
The man, still in fear for his life, but now also pissed off, spit the stranger's private part from his mouth and screamed, "Why the hell do you have to be so damn impatient??"
The tall dark stranger was completely surprised by the beer drinker yelling back at him, retorted, "Impatient? We don't have much time left, so you'd better finish me up quick, pal! Didn't you hear? Black Bart, the murderous bandit is gonna be here any minute now!"
Here I am , watching "Cleopatra Jones and the casino of gold",w..Stella Stevens big ass titties on TCM & u come & kill me w/ these jokes.......that is good...Now , I will go elsewhere & look & @ Traci Lords......whom always (like an old girl friend) get's me off Traci & I belong 2 gether...
And pulling up the rear for the day, a little Transylvania humor...
Q: How can Frankenstein tell if his buddy Count Dracula, the vampire, is sick?
A: By how much he is coffin.
ButtonGuys wishes everybody a nice Sunday, and lots of fireworks and fun for this extended "4th of July" Holiday Weekend!
And by the way, we have a very very special surprise for you a bit later today. Consider it our ButtonGuys fireworks display if you will. Lol. So keep your peepers peeled, ok folks. (Because this next post, you will not be disappointed with, I assure you)
Monday Madness...Finally, some answers to questions that have been pondered through the ages... -
Q: What do horses say when they fall?
A: Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up. -
Q: Why can’t you trust duck doctors?
A: Because they’re all quacks.
-
Q: Why do certain restaurants hire pigs?
A: Because they're good at bacon.
- Q: Why wouldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: He was on a roll. -
Marine biologists have discovered that fish actually attend 'class' each day to learn things. (you've heard about "schools of fish," right?). Yet, scientists claim fish have very poor grades. The biologists report its below sea level.
-
And then there's this poor fellow...
Did you hear about the guy who got hit by the very same bike rider every morning? Yeah, It was a vicious cycle.
-
Well fellas, 4th of July is right around the corner...So I hope that everyone has got their sparklers, firecrackers and rockets at the ready. And for that matter, your frankfurters, hamburgers, corn on the cob, watermelon, and what ever else floats your boat too! Lol (and don't forget the matches and mustard either)
Since today is the ‘4th of July’ - America’s Independence Day, ButtonGuys thought it might be fun to change it up a bit and test everyone’s knowledge of early American history. Are you ready? Because here it comes folks…
How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liber-tea.
What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington? One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.
What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party? Tea-shirts.
What was George Washington’s favorite tree? The infantry.
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed? The Fodder of Our Country!
What was the most popular dance in 1776? Indepen-dance.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? It can’t sit down.
If you crossed a Patriot with a curly-haired dog, what would you get? A Yankee Poodle.
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks? Dino-mite!
What ghost haunted King George III? The spirit of ’76!
What do our flag and a sad candy cane have in common? They’re both red, white and blue.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army? Laughayette.
Why did the duck say bang? Because he was a firequacker.
Was the Declaration of Independence written in Philadelphia? No, it was written in ink.
Why doesn’t fire get to enjoy a day off on the 4th of July? Because fire works.
What do you call an American revolutionary who draws cartoons? A Yankee Doodler.
Why were the first Americans like ants? They lived in colonies.
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
What is the most popular sport on the 4th of July? Flag football.
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1772? The Boston Flea Party.
What did a patriot put on his dry skin? Revo-lotion!
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!
What did the little firecracker say to the bigger firecracker? Hi, Pop!
What did the firecracker eat at the movies? Pop-corn.
What did Polly the parrot want for the 4th of July? A fire-cracker.
What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved.
Which colonists told the most jokes? Punsylvanians!
What do you call an American drawing? A Yankee doodle!
What is red, white, blue and green? A seasick Uncle Sam.
What is George Washington’s favorite football team? The New England Patriots.
What do the moon and the Founding Fathers have in common? Both have been through revolution.
Which flag is the most highly rated? The American flag. It has 50 stars!
Why should you research fireworks before purchasing them? To get the most bang for your buck!
What does the Statue of Liberty say when visitors leave? Stay in torch! —
ButtonGuys hopes some of these little one-liners brought smiles to your faces.
An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and and says, "I wanna get a tattoo."
The tattoo artist hesitantly replies, "Well okay, where would you like me to place this tattoo?"
The old woman says, "Actually, I'd like 2 tattoos. One on the inside of my upper left thigh, and the other on the inside of my upper right thigh."
"Do have any idea how much this is gonna hurt in such a sensitive area?" Commented the artist, "Are you really sure you want them there."
The old lady barked back at him, "Of course I'm sure! Thats exactly where I want them. And I don't care how much it will hurt."
So the artist relented and said, "Okay, whatever you want then. Let's take a look at the art book, to see if there's anything in particular you like."
But she immediately retorted back, "I already know what I want. I want you to draw a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh."
So the artist said to her, "Oh, okay. Thats no problem at all.Those are simple enough. I can do that for you." He thought for a moment at the odd request, and then asked, "But could you answer one question for me? Why would you want such things tatted on the inside of your thighs?"
The old lady, not missing a beat, replied back, "Becasue I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!"
A man and his wife were barreling down the highway when they saw a patrol car flashing his lights behind them, so they pulled over. The cop came up to the drivers side window and said to the guy, "I'm gonna give you a two tickets. One because you were speeding and another one because you didn't have your seatbelt fastened.
The man replied back, "I did have my seat belt on. And I just unfastened it as you walked up to my car."
So the patrolman glanced over at the man's blonde, big chested wife in the front passenger seat and asked her, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt on. Isn't that right, lady?"
Trying to be coy and avoid admitting her husband didn't have his seatbelt on, she replied, "Well, officer, I didn't really notice, because I learned a long time ago to never argue with my husband when he's drunk."
Lol. Thanks TD -- Heres one more for the Gipper. Not sure how good it is, but here it goes anyway. Lol --
Sad-Sack Sammy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks him how's he's feeling. Sammy replies, "Doc, I don't know what it is, because I always feel good on Saturdays and Sundays, but I feel pretty sick on all the other days of the week. What do you think it could be?"
The doctor looked Sad-Sack over, consulted his notes and thought about it for a few minutes. He then replied, "Sammy, after a thorough examination, I suspect that you may just have a weekend immune system!"
A wife decides to take her husband Dave to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya buddy?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. Dave says, "Oh no, Honey, that guy's just on my bowling team."
Then go inside and slide into a booth. A waitress soon comes over and asks Dave if he'd like his usual, and then brings him over a ice cold Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and asks him, "How did that girl know that you drink Budweiser?"
Dave retorts, "She's in the ladies bowling league, honey. We share lanes with them."
A big-breasted stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
But Dave follows her out and spots her getting into a cab, and before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He desperately tries to explain away how the stripper must have mistaken him for somebody else. But by this point, his wife is having none of it and starts screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every curse word in the book.
The cabby turns his head and comments, "Looks like you picked up a real crazy bitch this time, Dave!"
FATHERLY ADVICE... - An Italian mobster gave his son a Beretta pistol for his 18th birthday. "Figlio mio, carry this with you everywhere!" the mafioso exclaimed as he handed it to the young man.
The next day, his son came home without the gun. But he had a brand new shiny Rolex watch on his wrist. So the father asked him, "Mio figlio, where is da pistola I giva you"
"Papa, I decided to trade it in for this Rolexa" said the son.
"YOU STUPIDA ASSAHOLA!!" yelled the dad! "One daya maybe you gonna hava wifa. And maybe one day you coma homa and catch her naked in you bedda foola around witta you besta frienda. What are you gonna do then bigga shota, pointa to you watcha and say times a uppa?"
One day Einstein had to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he spoke to his driver that looked a bit like him, telling him, "I'm sick and tired of all these conferences. I always say the same old things over and over!"
The driver agreed, "You're right. As your driver, I attend all of them and even though I don't know anything about science, I could probably give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" said Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switched clothes and as soon as they arrived, the driver, now dressed as Einstein, went up on stage and started to give the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, sat in the audience watching it.
But in the crowd there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone by thinking of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. So this guy stood up and interrupted the conference and posed his very difficult question. The whole room went silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looked him dead in the eye and retorted, "Sir, your question is so ridiculously easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me." --
ButtonGuys hopes everyone enjoyed this little quit, and wishes everyone a good day!
FATHERLY ADVICE... - An Italian mobster gave his son a Beretta pistol for his 18th birthday. "Figlio mio, carry this with you everywhere!" the mafioso exclaimed as he handed it to the young man.
The next day, his son came home without the gun. But he had a brand new shiny Rolex watch on his wrist. So the father asked him, "Mio figlio, where is da pistola I giva you"
"Papa, I decided to trade it in for this Rolexa" said the son.
"YOU STUPIDA ASSAHOLA!!" yelled the dad! "One daya maybe you gonna hava wifa. And maybe one day you coma homa and catch her naked in you bedda foola around witta you besta frienda. What are you gonna do then bigga shota, pointa to you watcha and say times a uppa?"
Good one Lol
Btw....A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park. The creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?". The man angrily says "Certainly not!". Creepy guy says "Would you like to buy some?"
FATHERLY ADVICE... - An Italian mobster gave his son a Beretta pistol for his 18th birthday. "Figlio mio, carry this with you everywhere!" the mafioso exclaimed as he handed it to the young man.
The next day, his son came home without the gun. But he had a brand new shiny Rolex watch on his wrist. So the father asked him, "Mio figlio, where is da pistola I giva you"
"Papa, I decided to trade it in for this Rolexa" said the son.
"YOU STUPIDA ASSAHOLA!!" yelled the dad! "One daya maybe you gonna hava wifa. And maybe one day you coma homa and catch her naked in you bedda foola around witta you besta frienda. What are you gonna do then bigga shota, pointa to you watcha and say times a uppa?"
Good one Lol
Btw....A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park. The creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?". The man angrily says "Certainly not!". Creepy guy says "Would you like to buy some?"
Three couples wanted to get married at the same church. There was a very young couple, a middle-aged couple, and a very elderly couple. The three couples each met with the priest, Father O'Malley, separately, and discussed the particulars and when they'd like to get married.
After hearing each of them out, Father O'Malley replied, "If you wish to get married in my church, and by me, each of you must abstain for one full month from having any form of sex!"
Each couple agreed.
One month later, the three couples returned to the church to talk to the priest. He then first asked the elderly couple, "So, have you completed the month without having any sex?"
"Yes, we have Father, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
He then asked the middle-aged couple, "How about you?" And they responded, "It was hard abstaining for a full month, but we didn't have sex at all Father for the entire month."
Lastly, Father O'Malley turned to the young couple and asked, "And how about you two? How did you fair out, were you able to resist all sexual temptations?"
"We're so sorry Father. We are both ashamed, but we just couldn't do it," responded the boyfriend.
With a scowl on his face, the priest asked, "Explain to me why?"
"Well, we were in the fruit and vegetable department, and my girlfriend had just picked up this long firm cucumber in her hand. I saw her handling it and it got me thinking and my mind racing. Then, she accidentally dropped it. As she bent over to pick it up, unfortunately I just couldn't resist, and that's when it happened."
Upon hearing this, the priest then angrily retorted, "Well then, you two are certainly not welcome into my church!"
The boyfriend quickly answered back, "Well, you ain't the only one. They told us we're not welcome back in the supermarket either!"
A guy walked into the local tavern, sullied up to the bar and ordered a drink.
A few minutes later another guy from across the bar hollered out to him, "I screwed your mom real good last night!"
Although he was disturbed by that comment, the first guy just tried ignoring the fellow.
But the heckler was persistent and yelled out once again, "Your mother was real good in bed last night!"
Again, the first fella just tried ignoring the loudmouth.
A few minutes later the troublemaker is just about to open his mouth again, but this time around the guy stopped him dead in his tracks and remarked, "Dad, please! Go home already. You're drunk!"
TONIGHT'S JOKE IS FOR THE JOKERS...BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THE JOKE'S ACTUALLY ON THEM!
Q: Why do idiots from another forum say “break a leg” to their fellow 'brain surgeons' as they take the 'stage' with fake names to cause mischief on a rival forum?
TONIGHT'S JOKE IS FOR THE JOKERS...BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THE JOKE'S ACTUALLY ON THEM!
Q: Why do idiots from another forum say “break a leg” to their fellow 'brain surgeons' as they take the 'stage' with fake names to cause mischief on a rival forum?
TONIGHT'S JOKE IS FOR THE JOKERS...BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THE JOKE'S ACTUALLY ON THEM!
Q: Why do idiots from another forum say “break a leg” to their fellow 'brain surgeons' as they take the 'stage' with fake names to cause mischief on a rival forum?
During World War II there was tremendous trench warfare, and neither the American nor the German troops could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate.
So one day, an American G.I. came up with a plan that he thought might help them win the war. This soldier went to his commanding officer and platoon and explained his idea. After hearing him out, they all agreed to give it a shot, figuring, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas."
So the very next day the American soldiers started implementing their new plan. One American G.I. shouted out, "Hans?"
The next thing you know a German soldier popped his head up and shouted back, "Ja?!"
Bang! The German was shot right through his head.
The next day the Americans shouted out once again, "Hans?" and sure enough another German soldier raised his head up, responding "Ja?!"
He too, was shot right through the forehead and killed.
This process continued on steadily for days. The Germans were getting whacked out left and right, and losing large numbers.
Pretty soon they started catching on.
So the Germans had an emergency meeting. They figured they might be able to come back from their heavy losses by using the same type of tactics as the Americans.
One German soldier asked, "So what's a popular American name we could use?" "John!" replied another.
The very next day, the German platoon decided to execute their plan.
The first German shouted out, "Hey John!?"
Almost immediately an American G.I. shouted back, "Is that you Hans?"....
"Ja!" replied a German.... - And that's how the Americans won the war!
After flying by jet plane from Rome, to JFK Airport in New York City, the Catholic Pope realized he had arrived ahead of schedule and would be very early for his first appointment of the day.
So, he asked his chauffeur if it would be ok for him to drive the limousine for a little while because it had been several years since the Pope had been behind the wheel of a car.
So his driver slid over into the front passenger seat and the Pope climbed in behind the wheel.
Naturally, the Pope was a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights flashing behind him in his rearview mirror.
So he pulls over, and the police officer walks up to the window, takes one look at the Pope and gets startled and taken back.
He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute, ok," then walks back to his patrol car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief, looks we have a real situation here. It looks like I've pulled over a very important person."
Chief: "How important? Who is he, a governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's much bigger than that."
Chief: "So, who then? A Hollywood celebrity or something?"
Cop: "Much more important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL, WHO THE HELL IS IT THEN?"
Cop: "Well sir, I'm actually not sure. But the Catholic Pope himself is the guy's driver." -
Lisa and I hope you all enjoy your Friday gents! TGIF
A soldier was running late for an important meeting with his caporegime in Downtown Manhattan.
But he coudn't find any place to park his Cadillac. After twenty minutes of this nonsense, he was starting to get very frustrated and worried because he knew his capo had a volatile temper and didn't wanna incur his wrath.
Although he wasn't an overly religious guy, in desperation, he starting praying out loud, "Oh God. Please Jesus, if you help me find a parking spot right now, I promise I'll start going to church every Sunday, stop my criminal lifestyle, renounce my Mafia membership, and never drink whiskey again!"
Miraculously, a few seconds later, he saw an empty spot open right in front of their mob social. As he pulled in and parked, he commented, "Thanks anyway Jesus. But I already found one!" -
A Monday chuckle to start the week off right... -- IT COULDA BE WORSE!
Joey was walking downtown one day, when he spotted an old high school friend, Harry, walking a little further ahead up the street.
"Hey Harry, how are you?" he yelled out his old buddy to get his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" Joey inquired.
"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt last week but I still gotta feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Could have been worse," Joey replied calmly. "Could have been worse," as he waved goodbye.
A month or so later, Joey bumped into Harry again, in a restaurant this time. "How are things going now, Harry?" he asks.
"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down to the ground last night."
"Could have been worse," Joey casually responded, and then went about his business.
A month or so later, Joey ran into Harry once again. "Hey buddy, how's things going for you now?" he inquired.
"Oh!" says Harry. "Things are just getting worse and worse by the day. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has even left me for another man!"
Joey just nodded his head, then gave his usual optimistic little smile, accompanied by his usual response, "Could've been worse."
But this time around, Harry grabbed Joey by the shoulders. "Wait a minute Joey!" he angrily retorted. "I'm not gonna just let you off so easy this time. Three times over the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I told you the latest disaster in my life all you've had to say was the same damn thing: 'Could have been worse' 'Could have been worse' 'Could have been worse.'
'This time, for God's sakes Joey, I need you to tell me, how the hell could it have been any worse?" cried Harry.
Joey looked Harry dead in the eye, with that same little wisp of a smile, "Sure it could have been worse," Joey replied back. "It could have happened to me!" --
A tribe of Nomads lived in the great Arabian desert.
Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent flowing beard. His followers believed the ancient proverb that a man's strength and courage emanated from his beard, and thus, the man with the longest beard would be their chief.
After leading his tribe for many years, Benny began to feel very uncomfortable and itchy wearing the beard as they traversed this hot and dusty land.
So one day he decided he wanted to shave it off, but first called his wise council together to get their sage advice.
When he stated he wanted to shave off his beard, the elders and tribe's councilmen were completed shocked and advised him against it, stating, "Do you not remember the ancient legend? A leader who removes his beard will be cursed for the ages and turned into a piece of earthenware."
Benny had heard the ancient legend. But being a logical and modern thinking man, he had always scoffed at what he perceived to be a false tale.
He was very headstrong and determined, and so, despite the warning, Benny went ahead anyway, cutting and scraping away his once magnificent beard.
As he removed the final whisker from his face a huge dust storm kicked up across the entire desert. It only lasted for a few seconds, but when it cleared, there was now a man-sized vessel of clay, in the exact spot, where only moments earlier Akmed had stood before them.
...Taken back as they witnessed this miraculous event, the entire council knew at once that the ancient proverb they had been taught to follow was true... "A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned." -
THE SENSITIVE DON... - Three Italian mafiosi get invited to a costume party at their Family boss' sprawling estate.
But "Don Ciccio" wasn't your typical Mafia boss. He had been seeing a psychiatrist lately to help him get in touch with his emotions. He felt that seeing the shrink was helping him, so he now decided that he wanted all his Family soldiers to do the same.
To that end, he decided to throw a big costume party and asked all his men to dress up in a costume that would express an emotion.
Despite the weird request, he was their boss. And not wanting to disappoint their Don, all his soldiers went out of their way to impress him.
The night of the big party the doorbell rang and the boss opened the door to see the first soldier wearing a giant pear costume. Don Ciccio commented, "That is quite a costume you've got on there Vito, but how does it represent an emotion?"
Vito replied, "See boss? I'm in dis pear!" The Don smiled and was satisfied with his soldier's answer so he invited him into the party.
The doorbell ranged again and the mob boss opened it to greet another soldier named Angelo, who was wearing a women's dress.
"Getting in touch with your feminine side I see?" asks the Don.
"No," remarked Angelo, "See boss, I'm in dis dress!"
Satisfied with his answer, Don Ciccio admitted Angelo into the party too.
The doorbell rang once again, and a third soldier named Charlie was standing at the door, fully nude, with his dick hanging into a bowl of custard.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" yelled Don Ciccio!
"Hey, boss, look, it is an emotion," retorted the soldier.
Back in the old west there was a story often told about a town's sheriff who owned an amazing stallion. And this sheriff was once abducted by a gang of outlaws.
The bandits knocked the sheriff off his horse, beat him badly, then tied him up with rope. They cut the horse loose and let him run away free, but kidnapped the sheriff and threw him inside an old barn, where he was held against his will.
But later that first evening, the devoted horse returned for its master when no one was watching. It slipped into the barn and went to the sheriff, who pet his trusty horse while whispering something in its ear...the horse then galloped away into the darkness.
About an hour or so later, the horse returned with a beautiful young lady on its back. The young woman spent the entire night with the sheriff and left before sunrise.
The following evening the horse came back to see its master once again, and the sheriff whispered more orders into its ear. Sure enough, later that evening the horse returned with another beautiful young lady, who entertained the sheriff and left before the kidnappers noticed anything.
On the third night the horse returned to its master once more. But this time, a bit frustrated already, the sheriff whispered more explicitly to his trusty stallion, "Listen up good this time, ok? I said, bring me the POSSE!" -
Shush...Zitto te! - Vito, a Mafia soldier was kidnapped by a ‘Gang Of Mimes’ who demanded $50,000 for his release. Fearing what would happen to their man if the money wasn’t paid, his Mafia Family quickly paid the ransom and Vito was released.
His Mafia Family then ordered him to report back immediately to his capo and explain what had taken place during his captivity.
Vito did as ordered, telling his caporegime that they did unspeakable things to him!
A Catholic nun was teaching Sunday School and speaking to her class one morning when she poised an interesting question to her young students: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes up first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.”
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" the nun asked.
Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny then raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet.”
The nun gazed at him with a strange look on her face, then asked, "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny replied, "Well sister, I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God! Oh God, I'm coming.’ I gotta tell you, if dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!" -
A Monday morning chuckle... - Interpol Police just arrested a member of the Mafia for his participation in a sophisticated robbery gang that specialized in targeting museums and palaces to steal priceless artworks by famous artists that they later "fenced."
Police found it odd that a single mafioso would be part of such a gang. So they took him back headquarters where they grilled him about his motives. The mobster later stated under questioning that he didn't like what they did, but admitted that he was just in it for the Monet.
One afternoon, a sweet little old lady walked into a biker bar in Pennsylvania, frequented by the notorious Pagans, one of the baddest 1% outlaw biker gang's in the entire country.
Supported by a cane, she hobbled up to the bar and approached their leader who was a real mountain of a man by the name of Dagger, and told him that she wanted to join the gang.
Dagger could hardly contain himself from busting out laughing, but decided to have a little fun with her before telling the old lady to fuck off.
"Do you even own a motorcycle?" The Pagan's leader asked.
"I certainly do young man. A black and chrome Harley-Davidson, and it's parked right out front." Replied the old woman.
"Do you curse and swear?" Asked Dagger.
"More than a fucking sailor!" She retorted.
"Do you drink booze?" Mocked the Pagan leader.
"Every day, like a fucking fish!" She replied.
"Have you ever used drugs? Dagger then asked.
"I've put more hard narcotics in me than a pharmacy! Retorted the old woman.
Taken back a bit, Dagger scratched his long beard and thought for a moment, then asked, "Do you have any tattoos?"
The feeble old lady dropped her skirt and lifted up her blouse, displaying multiple tattoos on both arms, both legs, on her shriveled ass, and a huge tat running across her chest that read, "Death before Dishonor."
Now the Pagans leader was really impressed. So he proceeded to ask her one more question, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thought for a few minutes, but didn't answer. And the Pagan leader just smirked, finally thinking he had her good now.
But a minute later, she unhooked her bra and let it drop to the floor, exposing a pair of big sagging breasts while responding, "No, I can't say that I ever have. But I have been swung around the room by my big tits before! Does that count?"
---- Needless to say, Dagger let her join their Pagans chapter immediately...In fact, today she serves as their "Sergeant at Arms." ----
ButtonGuys of The New York Mafia hopes everybody has themselves a good day!
After a relaxing and enjoyable day out on the open seas, a small pleasure boat ran into a very turbulent storm that violently tossed it about capsizing it, during which most of the crew members fell overboard and drowned.
The boat drifted aimlessly for days until it eventually shipwrecked on a deserted island. Of the original dozen people onboard, only a girl and two guys survived.
The three survivors wandered around exploring the tiny island over the next day or so, finnding some sources of fruit and vegetables so they could eat. But with nothing else to do all day long except eat and sleep, pretty soon they started having sex.
But, all in all, the three of them were doing just fine because the girl was a really beautiful and sexy young thing. Unfortunately, some months later, the girl got very sick and died.
Left all alone, without a female, the two guys looked at one another and really didn't know what the hell they would do with themselves anymore every day because they were so bored.
But since it was really the only form of entertainment they had on the island, and they were both extremely horny, the two men decided to just keep on having sex.
This hot torrid sex went on day and night for about a week or so.
But eventually, their consciences caught up with them and they started feeling really guilty about what they'd been doing...So they decided to bury her.
After a relaxing and enjoyable day out on the open seas, a small pleasure boat ran into a very turbulent storm that violently tossed it about capsizing it, during which most of the crew members fell overboard and drowned.
The boat drifted aimlessly for days until it eventually shipwrecked on a deserted island. Of the original dozen people onboard, only a girl and two guys survived.
The three survivors wandered around exploring the tiny island over the next day or so, finnding some sources of fruit and vegetables so they could eat. But with nothing else to do all day long except eat and sleep, pretty soon they started having sex.
But, all in all, the three of them were doing just fine because the girl was a really beautiful and sexy young thing. Unfortunately, some months later, the girl got very sick and died.
Left all alone, without a female, the two guys looked at one another and really didn't know what the hell they would do with themselves anymore every day because they were so bored.
But since it was really the only form of entertainment they had on the island, and they were both extremely horny, the two men decided to just keep on having sex.
This hot torrid sex went on day and night for about a week or so.
But eventually, their consciences caught up with them and they started feeling really guilty about what they'd been doing...So they decided to bury her.
A Tuesday tickle... -- News agencies have been reporting that a mobbed-up gang of burglars are currently on the loose in NYC committing a string of heists for months, and that lately, they've now begun targeting pharmacies for robbery.
In fact, the NYCPD Burglary Squad said the mobsters were now breaking into drug stores and concentrating on stealing entire supplies of Viagra.
So the police have put out an all-points bulletin alert to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
Vito, an old Italian winemaker, decided to go the village church, and to confession, for the first time in decades.
Upon walking into the confessional booth, the priest slid open the small window between them, and Vito started, "Padre, during World War II, a beautiful young woman knocked at my door one day and pleaded for me to hide her from the Nazis. She was crying and shaking like a leaf, so I took pity on her and allowed her into my home. I then hid her away in the windowless attic to protect her, where I set her up with a mattress and pillow and fed her every day."
Hearing this, the priest replied, "What a wonderful thing you've done my son! I was really not expecting to hear anything like this."
"But Padre, it gets even worse." the old man continued. "After a few weeks living in my home, the young woman started to flirt with me and eventually boldly came on to me sexually. She was so gorgeous and had such a sexy body and sultry way about her, that I simply could not resist bedding her."
The priest listened intently, and then explained, "Well, you know, in times of war people can sometimes do things that they wouldn't do under normal circumstances." He then continued, "But if you're truly sorry for what you've done and for your transgressions, then God will forgive you!"
Upon hearing this, Vito remarked, "Thank you Padre. Your comforting words are a big relief to me. Because it's really taken a toll on me over the years. But can I ask one question of you?"
"Of course. What is it my son?" Inquired the priest.
Vito hesitated for a moment and then nervously asked, "Do you think I should let her know that the war's over?" -
ButtonGuys hopes everybody has themselves a great day!
Vito, an old Italian winemaker, decided to go the village church, and to confession, for the first time in decades.
Upon walking into the confessional booth, the priest slid open the small window between them, and Vito started, "Padre, during World War II, a beautiful young woman knocked at my door one day and pleaded for me to hide her from the Nazis. She was crying and shaking like a leaf, so I took pity on her and allowed her into my home. I then hid her away in the windowless attic to protect her, where I set her up with a mattress and pillow and fed her every day."
Hearing this, the priest replied, "What a wonderful thing you've done my son! I was really not expecting to hear anything like this."
"But Padre, it gets even worse." the old man continued. "After a few weeks living in my home, the young woman started to flirt with me and eventually boldly came on to me sexually. She was so gorgeous and had such a sexy body and sultry way about her, that I simply could not resist bedding her."
The priest listened intently, and then explained, "Well, you know, in times of war people can sometimes do things that they wouldn't do under normal circumstances." He then continued, "But if you're truly sorry for what you've done and for your transgressions, then God will forgive you!"
Upon hearing this, Vito remarked, "Thank you Padre. Your comforting words are a big relief to me. Because it's really taken a toll on me over the years. But can I ask one question of you?"
"Of course. What is it my son?" Inquired the priest.
Vito hesitated for a moment and then nervously asked, "Do you think I should let her know that the war's over?" -
ButtonGuys hopes everybody has themselves a great day!
Vito, an old Italian winemaker, decided to go the village church, and to confession, for the first time in decades.
Upon walking into the confessional booth, the priest slid open the small window between them, and Vito started, "Padre, during World War II, a beautiful young woman knocked at my door one day and pleaded for me to hide her from the Nazis. She was crying and shaking like a leaf, so I took pity on her and allowed her into my home. I then hid her away in the windowless attic to protect her, where I set her up with a mattress and pillow and fed her every day."
Hearing this, the priest replied, "What a wonderful thing you've done my son! I was really not expecting to hear anything like this."
"But Padre, it gets even worse." the old man continued. "After a few weeks living in my home, the young woman started to flirt with me and eventually boldly came on to me sexually. She was so gorgeous and had such a sexy body and sultry way about her, that I simply could not resist bedding her."
The priest listened intently, and then explained, "Well, you know, in times of war people can sometimes do things that they wouldn't do under normal circumstances." He then continued, "But if you're truly sorry for what you've done and for your transgressions, then God will forgive you!"
Upon hearing this, Vito remarked, "Thank you Padre. Your comforting words are a big relief to me. Because it's really taken a toll on me over the years. But can I ask one question of you?"
"Of course. What is it my son?" Inquired the priest.
Vito hesitated for a moment and then nervously asked, "Do you think I should let her know that the war's over?" -
ButtonGuys hopes everybody has themselves a great day!
HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL... - One afternoon the Feds came and arrested mafioso Pasquale (Patty Pots-n-Pans) Panarelli on a variety of racketeering charges.
He refused to cop out to any of the charges. So, after many months of court motions and delays, prosecutors finally brought his case to trial.
But, less than two hours into trial testimony, Patty pled guilty.
The Judge, clearly angry by this time, demanded to know, "Why didn't you just plead guilty at the very beginning of this case and save the court's time and money?
"Well, Judge" the mafioso responded, "ya see, until I heard all the evidence against me, I thought maybe I was innocent."
Some Saturday Shenanigans... - THE WIDOW AND THE COWBOY!
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the local newspapers for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it and decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be much safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked together, and the ranch was now doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels a bit."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town that Saturday night. One o'clock in the morning came, however, and he hadn't yet returned. Two o'clock and still no hired hand.
Finally he returned around three-thirty in the morning, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the warm glow of the fireplace holding a glass of wine, waiting for him. She then quietly called him over to her.
Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. His hands trembling, he did as he was told. "Slide off my high heels and silk stockings too," she said.
He did as she asked, but ever so slow and tentative.
"Now take off my skirt," she whispered quietly.
So he slowly unbuttoned it, letting the skimpy garment drop to the floor.
"Now slide off my panties." His hands were shaking like leaves, but he proceeded to slowly slide them down, while gazing intently into her eyes by the fire light.
"Now unhook my bra." The widow told him. Once again, his hands trembled, but he did as she requested. The lacy brassiere dropped to the floor as she watched.
She then looked up at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!" -
ButtonGuys hopes everyone enjoyed this little joke, and we wish you all a good day!
ATHLETES AND HOODLUMS... - The results of a newly released government census shows that the average paid athlete, weighs more than the average felon. So, from the statistics, it would appear that the pros far outweigh the cons.
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss possibly divorcing her husband.
The lawyer asked her, "Why do you want a divorce? Don't you love him anymore?"
"Oh, I still love him," the woman replied, "But all he ever wants to do is make love, and I just can't take it anymore! I'm worn out."
"Well then," the lawyer suggested, "Instead of divorcing him, why don't you just start charging him every time he approaches you to make love? That should do the trick."
The exhausted woman thought about it for a few minutes, and then told the lawyer that she was willing to give his plan a try. She then left his office, got into her car and drove directly home to put her new plan into action.
But, no sooner had she walked in the door of her home that evening, that her horny husband immediately started in on her for sex.
"Hold on dear, not so fast," she insisted. The wife then proceeded to lay down the new rules to her husband, "From now on, it'll cost you $10 in the kitchen, $20 if you want it in the living room, and $50 for us to do it in the bedroom!"
The husband was startled for a minute or two until he thought about it, but then he quickly retorted, "Well then, ok, if that's the way you want it. Here, take this $50," as he placed the cash directly into the palm of her hand.
His wife smiled a bit, then tucked the money into her bra and began walking toward their bedroom. But her hubby grabbed her by the hand, stopping her dead in her tracks, and commented, "Hold on now, not so fast. That'll be five times in the kitchen!" -
ButtonGuys hopes everyone has a nice night gentlemen!
He tells his wife "Honey,before I die,I want to tell you something, There's an envelope taped behind the bottom drawer in our bedroom dresser. I want you to have it"
She finds the envelope and inside it is $47,000.dollars and 4 golf balls. When she gets back to the hospital,the hubby tells her "I have to get this off my chest.I haven't been entirely faithful to you. Every time I cheated on you,I put a ball in the envelope",
His wife says"we were married for 51 years,I can forgive 4 mistakes,but what about the money?"
Hubby replies "every time I got a dozen balls,I sold them"
A Sunday Shenanigan... - "THERE'S ALWAYS ONE BALLBUSTER IN THE CROWD"
There were once a busload of ugly people driving to a weekend religious retreat when they got into a head-on collision with a tractor-trailer. It was a very tragic collision and they all died.
So, when they got to Heaven, knowing this, God decided to grant each of them one wish as consolation.
The first person God approached, a very homely, ugly woman asked, "I want to be gorgeous."
So God snapped his fingers and it happened.
Seeing this miracle, the second woman requested the exact same thing...and God accommodated her, turning her into an absolute beauty..
The third person, one of the ugliest men you'd ever wanna meet, then asked God to please do the same for him.
With one finger snap, God turned that ugly man into one of the most handsome men in existence.
Well, this went on and on throughout the group. Everyone had the same wish. But as he was granting their requests God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.
By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing so hard he was now rolling on the ground.
Bemused by the man's actions, and with his interest now piqued, when this fellow's turn came God looked down at him crying with laughter on the floor and asked him the very same question,
In between laughs, the fellow looked up at God and said, "My wish is that they all become ugly again!" -
ButtonGuys of The New York Mafia "wishes" that everyone on the forum has a very nice Sunday!
A little Monday morning madness for the forum... - So, a guy, Joe Ubatz, goes to the psychiatrist.
Joe says, "Doctor, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee. Then I'm a wigwam. Then I'm a teepee again. Then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me absolutely crazy. Please tell me, what the heck is wrong with me?"
The doctor rubbed his chin as he considered what his patient just informed him about, and then replied, "It's very simple Mr. Ubatz. You're just two tents." -
ButtonGuys hopes everybody has a good start to their week!
A blonde was on an airline flight to Miami. Even though she had an economy ticket, she sneaked into 1st Class. When the flight attendant found out,she tried to get her to go back to her paid seat. She began to start such a ruckus,that the Captain was called. He leaned over, whispered in her ear,and immediately she apologized,and went back to economy. When the attendant asked the Capt what he said,he replied "I told her that 1st Class doesn't go to Miami"
A little Monday morning madness for the forum... - So, a guy, Joe Ubatz, goes to the psychiatrist.
Joe says, "Doctor, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee. Then I'm a wigwam. Then I'm a teepee again. Then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me absolutely crazy. Please tell me, what the heck is wrong with me?"
The doctor rubbed his chin as he considered what his patient just informed him about, and then replied, "It's very simple Mr. Ubatz. You're just two tents." -
ButtonGuys hopes everybody has a good start to their week!
What the fuck does that mean? Too tense? IT'S NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! GOD
A cute but elderly couple, both in their 80s, paid a visit to a sex therapist. The therapist warmly greeted them, saying, “You two make such a lovely couple. How can I assist you?”
The old man responded, “Do you mind watching us have intercourse?” After a brief moment of contemplation, the therapist agreed, seeing no harm in the matter.
Once the couple finished their intimate session, the therapist gave them her evaluation, saying, “Your lovemaking was perfectly normal. And I see no issues with either of your performances.” With a friendly smile, she then charged them her regular $70 consultation fee and wished them a pleasant day.
To her surprise, the elderly couple returned the very next week and repeated the same routine. In fact, this process continued every Wednesday for the next six weeks straight. Each time, they would arrive, engage in their intimate act in front of the therapist, pay the fee, and then leave.
After their sixth visit the therapist couldn’t contain her curiosity any longer, so she asked, “May I ask one question? Why do you guys keep making appointments to see me? Especially since I never find anything to help improve your lovemaking habits.”
Without missing a beat, the old man explained, “Well, you see doctor, we can’t do it at my place because my wife is always home, and we can’t do it at her place because her nosy husband is always there. And even the cheapest motels still charge at least $130 a night. So at only $70, coming here is a bargain!" -
ButtonGuys hopes everyone on the forum enjoys the day.
One afternoon the famous private detective Sherlock Holmes and his trusty sidekick Dr. Watson decided to go camping. So they drove out to the woods and set up camp, pitched their tent under the stars, and later went to sleep.
Some time during the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”
So Watson looked up and replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes then asked, “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson thought for a moment and then explained, “Well, if there are millions of stars, if even a few of those stars are actually planets, then it’s quite likely there are some planets like the Earth out there. And if there are any planets like Earth out there, then it's also quite possible that there may also be life.”
Holmes gave a quick scowl and then retorted, “Watson, you imbecile, what it means is that somebody stole our tent!”
Guy comes running into the house yelling "Honey,I just hit the lottery for 100 million bucks.Pack your suitcase!" The wife says"That's great,where are we going?" Hubby replies,"I don't know where you're going,but I'm taking my Secretary to Paris"
Guy comes running into the house yelling "Honey,I just hit the lottery for 100 million bucks.Pack your suitcase!" The wife says"That's great,where are we going?" Hubby replies,"I don't know where you're going,but I'm taking my Secretary to Paris"
Some Sunday Shenanigans... - SO, WHATS IN A STEREOTYPE?
A ventriloquist is performing with his little wooden dummy on his lap. He’s telling a "dumb-blonde joke" when a young platinum-haired beauty in the audience suddenly jumped to her feet.
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demanded to know. Then continued, “What does my hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Clearly flustered, the ventriloquist began to weakly stammer out an apology to her, but she was having none of it.
The blonde quickly cut him off, pointed her finger and growled, “You keep out of this, you!” she yelled. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!” -
The natives of Africa are well known for their enjoyment in playing many different types of games. But, reportedly, their varied governments have all stopped allowing any of their tribal people from playing poker.
Apparently, government officials feel there are just way too many cheetahs out there! -
Whacky Wednesdays... - A Poodle and a Collie were walking together, when the Poodle suddenly confessed to his canine buddy. “My life is a real mess,” he admitted. “My owner is so mean to me, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as an alley cat.”?
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggested the Collie.?
“I can’t,” cried the Poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.” -
Whats the differences between a man's lie and a woman's lie?
- A man will say "I was with my friends", while the truth is that he was screwing some broad.
- But a woman will say "The kid is yours!" Lol
When I told this joke to few Arab business partners, they took me up on their arms and started singing something similar to "He's a jolly good fellow, he's a jolly good fellow...." lol lol
Whats the differences between a man's lie and a woman's lie?
- A man will say "I was with my friends", while the truth is that he was screwing some broad.
- But a woman will say "The kid is yours!" Lol
When I told this joke to few Arab business partners, they took me up on their arms and started singing something similar to "He's a jolly good fellow, he's a jolly good fellow...." lol lol
During surgery after suffering a heart attack, a middle-aged woman had a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asked.
God replied, “No my child. You still have 30 more years to live.”
After hearing that she had 30 years to look forward to, she decided to make the very best of it. And since she was in the hospital anyway, she decided to go for the works. So she asked her doctors for big breast implants, liposuction, a nose job, tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips.
When they were done she looked absolutely great. She was like a brand new person.
A few days later she was discharged from the hospital and she exited the hospital with a new confidant swagger.
But, unfortunately, as she crossed the street she was hit head-on by an ambulance and killed.
When she arrived up in heaven, she saw God and angrily asked, “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complained.
“That is true,” replied God.
“So what happened?” she asked.
God sheepishly replied, “I do apologize, but I simply didn’t recognize you.” -
ButtonGuys hopes everyone has a great Friday!...TGIF
A guy was walking down the street one day when he spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.”
Intrigued by the very thought of a dog that could talk, he walked up to the front door and rang the bell to witness this for himself. The homeowner invited him inside to see this amazing dog.
The pooch was lounging on the couch smoking a cigar when the man walked in, so he walked up to the canine and asked, “So I hear you can talk, is that right? So tell me then, what have you being doing with your life?”
The dog thought for a moment, then quickly replied, "Oh, I’ve led a very full life. I've lived in the Alps, rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country on the front lines in Iraq for several years. I served the police department as a narcotics and contraband-sniffing canine. And now I spend my days entertaining and reading books to elderly residents of a retirement home.”
Upon hearing this, the guy was absolutely flabbergasted, so he turned to the dog’s owner and asked, “Why on earth would you ever want to get rid of such an incredible dog like this?”
The owner smirked and retorted, “Because he’s a complete pathological liar! He's never done any of that stuff!” --
Two hunters, Joe and Moe, were out in the woods shooting deer when suddenly Joe collapsed to the ground. He wasn't breathing and his eyes are glazed.
So his buddy Moe whipped out his cell phone and immediately dialed 911.
The woman answering the hotline asked, "What type of an emergency is this and how can I help you?"
Moe frantically yelled into the phone, “I think my friend is dead! “What can I do?”
The operator replied, “Please calm down, ok? First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”
There was a momentary silence, and then the 911 receptionist heard a loud gunshot.
Suddenly Moe got back on the phone and asked, “Okay, now what?” -
ButtonGuys of The New York Mafia hopes everybody has a nice day.
You think that's funny?? He just executed his friend!!!! There is nothing funny about this. I'm going to church later today and I will pray for this entire forum
Two hunters, Joe and Moe, were out in the woods shooting deer when suddenly Joe collapsed to the ground. He wasn't breathing and his eyes are glazed.
So his buddy Moe whipped out his cell phone and immediately dialed 911.
The woman answering the hotline asked, "What type of an emergency is this and how can I help you?"
Moe frantically yelled into the phone, “I think my friend is dead! “What can I do?”
The operator replied, “Please calm down, ok? First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”
There was a momentary silence, and then the 911 receptionist heard a loud gunshot.
Suddenly Moe got back on the phone and asked, “Okay, now what?” -
ButtonGuys of The New York Mafia hopes everybody has a nice day.
You think that's funny?? He just executed his friend!!!! There is nothing funny about this. I'm going to church later today and I will pray for this entire forum
According to its rules, once every 10 years, the monks of a monastery in Sicily were each allowed to break their vow of silence to speak only two words, and two words only.
So, after first joining the monastery, Pietro completely devoted himself to his monastery and worked diligently for a full 10 years in complete silence.
After holding his tongue for a decade, the day finally arrived for Pietro to say his first few words.
It was such a precious moment that he didn't wanna make a mistake, so he thought long and hard before speaking. Finally, with all the other monks present, Pietro finally spoke, saying, "Bad food.”
The other monks just nodded in solidarity. Pietro then turned and walked back to his room in silence, while the monastery leaders just looked at one another.
Another ten years goes by, and once again all the monks and administrators gather in the meeting room to hear Pietro speak. With his second chance to have his voice heard in two decades, Pietro thought for a moment and then said, "Bed hard."
Once again, after saying his two words, Pietro turned and walked back to his dorm room in total silence while everybody stared at him.
Another decade passes and once again its Pietro's big day. He has already spent the last thirty years in the monastery and has only said four simple words. He will now get to say two more words, and so he took his time and thought about it long and hard before opening his mouth.
He stared intently at the head monk for what seemed like an eternity and then shockingly commented, “I quit.”
“Well, I, for one, am not surprised at all,” the head monk quickly retorted. “After all, you’ve been a non-stop complainer ever since you got here!” --
ButtonGuys hopes everyone enjoys the upcoming weekend. TGIF!
A man was walking in a graveyard, when he suddenly heard the Third Symphony played backward. When it was over, then the Second Symphony started to play, also backwards, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asked a cemetery worker.?
“It’s Beethoven,” calmly exclaimed the grave digger. “He’s decomposing.”
A Turtle on vacation in New York City was crossing the street one afternoon when he got mugged by two hoodlum snails. When the NYPD showed up, the responding policemen asked him what happened. The bruised and shaken turtle replied, “I really don’t know...It all happened so fast.”
A Turtle on vacation in New York City was crossing the street one afternoon when he got mugged by two hoodlum snails. When the NYPD showed up, the responding policemen asked him what happened. The bruised and shaken turtle replied, “I really don’t know...It all happened so fast.”
A man was walking in a graveyard, when he suddenly heard the Third Symphony played backward. When it was over, then the Second Symphony started to play, also backwards, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asked a cemetery worker.?
“It’s Beethoven,” calmly exclaimed the grave digger. “He’s decomposing.”
Wait!! no..THIS is the worst joke ever. Jesus Christ
A man was walking in a graveyard, when he suddenly heard the Third Symphony played backward. When it was over, then the Second Symphony started to play, also backwards, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asked a cemetery worker.?
“It’s Beethoven,” calmly exclaimed the grave digger. “He’s decomposing.”
Wait!! no..THIS is the worst joke ever. Jesus Christ
Siediti e Statti Zitto!
Because Ralphie, truth be told, you're the worst joke here! Lol
The owner-operator of a supply store in the Middle East said that sales of backpacks have been tremendous. But he does wonder why he never gets any returning customers.
The owner-operator of a supply store in the Middle East said that sales of backpacks have been tremendous. But he does wonder why he never gets any returning customers.
There is an absolutely horrible war going on in the Middle East right now and you make of light of this with a disgusting bomb joke!!!!?? Have you no decency? You need to stop it with these jokes and start praying for these poor people
The owner-operator of a supply store in the Middle East said that sales of backpacks have been tremendous. But he does wonder why he never gets any returning customers.
There is an absolutely horrible war going on in the Middle East right now and you make of light of this with a disgusting bomb joke!!!!?? Have you no decency? You need to stop it with these jokes and start praying for these poor people
Like I told you the first time around Ralphie...Siediti e Statti Zitto. And I know you're a bit "challenged" mentally, so I'll give it to ya in English too... "Sit down and shut up!"
I've already posted numerous statements professing my solidarity and support for Israel's plight and the horror that's going on over there. How bout you ass wipe??
Don't try and now pretend that you're outraged and indignant about those attacks. That would be typical of a phony, empty suit like you.
Who are you supposed to be, the benchmark for decency? Don't embarrass yourself.
You know damn well that the timing of that "joke" was outrageous, but of course you would post it
Am I 12? Or are YOU 12? LOL
You're a perfect example of the "pot calling the kettle black."
Ralphie, you have a very long and well documented history as a troll here, who has constantly put up adolescent posts all across this forum in order to be a troublemaker and a rabble rouser. YOU are "The" joke! I do admit you're a bad joke, but make no mistake about it, you are the joke.
You know damn well that the timing of that "joke" was outrageous, but of course you would post it
Am I 12? Or are YOU 12? LOL
You're a perfect example of the "pot calling the kettle black."
Ralphie, you have a very long and well documented history as a troll here, who has constantly put up adolescent posts all across this forum in order to be a troublemaker and a rabble rouser. YOU are "The" joke! I do admit you're a bad joke, but make no mistake about it, you are the joke.
Can I 2nd that motion NY???..U forgot 2 tell that he has been living in his parents backyard in Beverly Hills throwing sand @ everyone since WW2..lol..
I just read in the newspapers this morning that the Mafia decided to whack out a Sicilian chicken who had the balls to cross the road, roll around in the mud, and then crossed over the road again.
Yeah, he ended up getting himself clipped because he was a dirty double-crosser.
How the hell did you find yourself in the joke?!?! I really want to know about it....did I ever mentioned your name? WTF?! I never said you have anything against me or whether you supported me back in the days when most needed. Or are we talking about "wheres smoke, theres usually fire"?! Lol this is the joke thread, meaning everything is possible...
Sorry I got it wrong then. That was a pretty good joke actually lol. I grew up on those movies. My oldest brother who has passed on now had a big ass Predator poster in his bedroom for many years
How the hell did you find yourself in the joke?!?! I really want to know about it....did I ever mentioned your name? WTF?! I never said you have anything against me or whether you supported me back in the days when most needed. Or are we talking about "wheres smoke, theres usually fire"?! Lol this is the joke thread, meaning everything is possible...
TD, It's obvious that, quite innocently, you must have struck a very raw nerve.
How the hell did you find yourself in the joke?!?! I really want to know about it....did I ever mentioned your name? WTF?! I never said you have anything against me or whether you supported me back in the days when most needed. Or are we talking about "wheres smoke, theres usually fire"?! Lol this is the joke thread, meaning everything is possible...
TD, It's obvious that, quite innocently, you must have struck a very raw nerve.
Did you just repost that little man? Only trying to stir up something? I have nothing against Toodoped and he's cool with me as well
Seems you're just a little bit too self-conscious "Ralphie." What happened, TD hit a raw nerve of yours. Maybe what he said hit a little too close to home, a little too close for comfort for you? Lol...Yeah, thats what I been hearing about you.
You really need to chill out....try not to be so jumpy.
Ok heres a joke I found that I actually thought was pretty good lol
A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First, he heads out to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the store, and it takes forever. After that, he needs to buy some nice flowers, so he goes to the florist, and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits a long time, but eventually buys the flowers. Then he goes to rent a limousine. But again, there’s a large limo line at the limousine rental office, but he patiently waits and rents a limo. And finally, the prom day arrives. The two are happily dancing together, and his girlfriend is having a wonderful time. When the song is over, she kindly asks him to go bring her some punch, so he walks to the punch table, and there’s no punch line.
The first Jewish President is being sworn in on Inauguration Day. His mother is in the audience and elbows a man standing next to her. When he turns to look at her ,she say's "do you see that man taking the oath to become President"? When he says yes,she say's "his brother"s a doctor!"
The first Jewish President is being sworn in on Inauguration Day. His mother is in the audience and elbows a man standing next to her. When he turns to look at her ,she say's "do you see that man taking the oath to become President"? When he says yes,she say's "his brother"s a doctor!"
I just read the United States Government has started an incentive program whereby illegal immigrants are now being offered a chance at U.S. citizenship, if they're willing to hunt down and capture known sex offenders.
The U.S. Senate named it "The Alien vs Predator Program" -
I thought this last one was particularly good, how bout you "Ralphie Boy"?
I just read the United States Government has started an incentive program whereby illegal immigrants are now being offered a chance at U.S. citizenship, if they're willing to hunt down and capture known sex offenders.
The U.S. Senate named it "The Alien vs Predator Program" -
I thought this last one was particularly good, how bout you "Ralphie Boy"?
I just read the United States Government has started an incentive program whereby illegal immigrants are now being offered a chance at U.S. citizenship, if they're willing to hunt down and capture known sex offenders.
The U.S. Senate named it "The Alien vs Predator Program" -
I thought this last one was particularly good, how bout you "Ralphie Boy"?
Ralphie/Pogo ain't gonna like that joke
Yes, you're probably right, considering the circumstances, I don't imagine he would.
Grade School in Sicily... - Vito, a little Sicilian boy, came home from elementary school one afternoon very upset. With tears in his eyes, the boy explained to his father that, "Papa, everyday in class the other kids make fun of me. I don't understand why, but they constantly call me a little mafioso."
Upon seeing his son so upset and hearing why, the Sicilian father consoled his boy, "Don't worry Vito, your papa will go to that school tomorrow and straighten it all out for you, ok? Now go wash your hands and get ready for dinner, it's time to eat."
Little Vito looked up at his father, gave a little smile and then said, "Thank you papa. But please, just make it look like an accident, ok?" -
The other day I went to visit my doctor/dietician, Dr. Ubatz, because I've been having an extremely hard time losing weight. When I went into his office, he asked me, "What's wrong?
So I said, "Doctor Ubatz, I'm gonna level with you here. Although I've been trying, I can't seem to burn off a single ounce. Tell me, Whats the best way to burn 1000 calories a day?"
Doctor Ubatz thought for a moment, and then replied, "You wanna burn a 1000 calories? That's easy. Just leave the pizza in the oven too long!"
Notwithstanding the seriousness of the current situation in the Middle East, or maybe because of it, ButtonGuys felt a little lightheartedness might be some good medicine... -
What did the son say to his father when he lost his suitcase in the airport on their way to Iraq in the Middle East? He said, "Where's the Baghdad?"
Q: Why do melons typically get married in formal wedding ceremonies and afterwards have big receptions with all their melon relatives and friends present?
Once upon a time, an older Catholic priest, and a pretty young nun straight out of the convent, went on a mission trip high up in the mountains when suddenly a major snowstorm hit the area.
They were walking through horrible blizzard conditions when they finally spotted an abandoned log cabin. So they went inside to take refuge.
After shaking the snow off of them, the priest found some dry wood and started up a fire in the fireplace to warm them up a bit. He also discovered a few blankets and a sleeping bag in a closet...but only one bed.
The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.
They were all alone and it was pitch black out. But after awhile they both began to get more comfortable and settled in a bit...when suddenly the young nun suddenly called out in a soft sing-song voice, "Father?"
The priest replied back, "Yes, sister, what is it?"
"I'm cold" replied the nun.
So the priest dutifully got up, went to the closet, got an extra blanket and covered the nun with it.
As he settled back down into his sleeping bag, not fifteen minutes later she called out again, "Father? I'm still cold."
So the priest once again got up and got another thick blanket from the closet and then draped it over the nun, tucking her in tightly and snuggly as she smiled at him softly.
He then slipped back into his sleeping bag. But just and he was getting settled in and comfortable again, with the fire now crackling, she whispered out to him once again, "Oh my goodness, I'm still so very cold."
Upon hearing this he commented, "Sister, let's face it, we are all alone out here, in this cabin, deep in the mountains, am I right?"
"Yes...we are Father," whispered the pretty young nun.
The priest then continued, "Now, I'm gonna ask you something, ok? If you promise that it would be alright with you?"
"Yes, Father...yes!" exclaimed the nun.
"So, I was thinking, just for this one evening," asked the priest.
"Yes, yes?, replied the nun.
"For just tonight. Would you like to pretend that we are married?" inquired the priest.
"Oh, yes, yes, I would, very much so!" Exclaimed the young nun.
Good...then get up and get your own dang blanket!"
A cruise ship sinks and the only survivors are a dentist and a super model. They manage to swim to shore on an isolated island. As time goes by,they start to do what comes naturally. One day a crate full of men's clothing washes up on the beach. The dentist suggests that since it'll probably be a while until they are rescued,that they play a little game. He convinces the model to put on a suit,hat,and wingtips. After a week or so,he asks her if he can draw a mustache on her "just for fun". She agrees and about a week later,he says,just for fun,can I call you Bob? This strikes her as a little weird,but she figures,well we've been here for a while,and he's been pretty nice,so she says "sure". One day he says, hey Bob, you'll never believe who I've been screwing!
A cruise ship sinks and the only survivors are a dentist and a super model. They manage to swim to shore on an isolated island. As time goes by,they start to do what comes naturally. One day a crate full of men's clothing washes up on the beach. The dentist suggests that since it'll probably be a while until they are rescued,that they play a little game. He convinces the model to put on a suit,hat,and wingtips. After a week or so,he asks her if he can draw a mustache on her "just for fun". She agrees and about a week later,he says,just for fun,can I call you Bob? This strikes her as a little weird,but she figures,well we've been here for a while,and he's been pretty nice,so she says "sure". One day he says, hey Bob, you'll never believe who I've been screwing!
News stations this evening are reporting that there's been a complete government ban placed on all telecommunications coming out of the Middle East...It's called the teleban.
FIVE DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN...(a woman's dictionary) - 1) FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to stop talking.
2) NOTHING - Means something and you should be worried.
3) GO AHEAD - Do NOT confuse this with permission! It's a dare and don't even think about it.
4) WHATEVER - A woman's way of calling you an idiot.
5) THAT'S OK - She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Bonus Word: WOW! - This is not a compliment. She is just amazed that one person could be so clueless.
Word has just come in from England that James Bond, Agent 007, has recently retired and turned down a knighthood from the Queen to live in Afghanistan, where he has reportedly now become one of the most important men in the Middle East.
As it turns out, it appears that Bond wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred!
John, one of Coca-Cola's top producing sales reps, returned from his new Middle East assignment feeling extremely disappointed and dejected.
A friend asked him, "So John, were you successful with the Arabs?"
John remarked, "No, not at all. In fact, I was a complete flop."
He then explained, "Well, when I was first assigned Coca-Cola's Middle East sales territory I was very confident that I'd make a great sales pitch and then be able to really expand our soda brand over there. After all, we've got a great product and Cola drinks are virtually unknown there.
But, I had a problem from the very start, because I don't speak Arabic. So, I devised an ingenious plan to convey the message through three artistic posters I designed...
The first poster showed a man crawling through the hot desert sand...totally exhausted, panting and dying of thirst.
The second poster depicts the same man drinking a bottle of our ice cold Coca-Cola....and in the third poster, it shows the man now totally refreshed, smiling and happy as a clam.
John continued, "I then had them printed up, and we distributed thousands of these colorful posters, pasting them up all over the place"
"So then, what's the problem? That sounds like a perfect plan. It should have worked great, no?" replied his friend.
John just looked down and remarked, "Well, as it turns out, not only didn't I speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that in Arabic, you read from the right to the left..." --
An optimist sees the glass as half full,a pessimist sees the glass as half empty,and the realist knows that if he sticks around he'll be washing the glass.
A Jewish High School student was having trouble with his Math grades. His parents were told that if he didn't improve them,he would never get into a good college. They tried private tutors,but nothing seemed to work. One of their friends suggested that they enroll him in a small Catholic school for his Senior year,given their reputation for quality education,and one-on-one help. Sure enough,on his next report card,he got straight A's in all his Math classes. His parents asked,was it the better quality teachers,or the lesson plans,or the individualized help they gave him that turned him around? The boy replied,"actually,when I walked in on my first day,and saw some guy nailed to a plus sign,I knew they were going to take this shit seriously".
A woman walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, fierce global competition, and low wages in third-world countries, I can only grant you one wish. So, . . . what shall it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Good Lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a few minutes and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for — a good man!"
The Genie gave her a look and let out a long sigh as he shook his head and rubbed his chin. He then replied, "Lady, let me see that map again!"
The other day I bumped into an old friend who's now exercising religiously. He said, "I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday mornings, and then don't even think about it again for the rest of the week."
A NEW CRISIS HAS DEVELOPED IN THE MIDDLE EAST... --
News outlets reported last night that there's a new crisis developing in the Middle East. Widespread protests and violence has quickly erupted among the populous after Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast "The Flintstones."
A government spokesman later released a formal comment, stating, "The people in Dubai simply would not understand the western humor. But we are allowing the show to air in other cities where we feel it will be better received by the people, such as those in Abu Dhabi Do."
A repeat offender comes before the judge in court after getting arrested for stealing a pair of shoes.
The Judge looks at his name, glances down at the defendant and immediately remembers him from an earlier criminal case.
The Jurist remarks, "I'm very disappointed with you, because it was only two years ago that you were here for stealing a pair of shoes. Now you're here once again for the exact same offense. What do you have to say for yourself?"
The defendant thought for a second and then remarked, "You're absolutely right your Honor, and I apologize for that. But they just don't make shoes the way they used to." -
HARASSING THE PEDS... - The police recently charged a local resident with targeting registered child molesters and pedophiles for harassment. They say the defendant went on the sex offender registry and found the home addresses of all the child sex offenders in his area and them sent them all threatening hate mail.
A police spokesperson further stated that to insure they all read his letters, "He wrote them in crayon."
One day an Italian wholesale distributor of herbs received a shylock loan from a mafioso.
The following week his loan collector walked in to pick up the first payment, when the businessman informed him that he didn’t have his money.
Upon hearing this, the collector began cursing and threatening the vendor, and, of course, the frightened businessman, now scared out of his wits, started pleading for his life, asking, “Please sir, please give me one more week to get your money.”
But the heartless thug responded, “No! Get me my money because your thyme is up!”
A mafioso once asked a young lady if she knew the difference between casual conversation and sex? When she replied, no? He commented, “Then would you like to go back to my place and chat a bit?
Just because we gotta start 2014 off right...lol --
THE CONFESSION...
Vito, a kid in the neighborhood, was feeling a little guilty, so he decided to go to church, to confession.
"Father, I wanna confess that I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site down the block.”
The Priest, recognizing the voice, remarked, "Is that you Vito? What did you do with the lumber, my son?"
The kid Vito: "Well, Father, my grandmother's porch, she's had a big hole in it, for a long time. And I was afraid she’d fall in and hurt herself. So I fixed the hole."
The Priest: "Well, that's not such a bad thing, my son.”
Vito: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber leftover.”
The Priest: “Is that right? So, what did you do with it?"
Vito: "Well, my poor dog, Brutus, he never had a nice warm, dry place to get outta the bad weather when it would rain or snow. So I make him his own little doghouse."
The Priest: "OK…Is there anything else you’d like to get off your chest my boy?”
Vito: "Well, Father, I had a little more lumber leftover. And ya know, same as our dog, my pop never had a shed or garage to park his truck inside of, and through the years it was getting real beat up from the weather, so I make him a nice two-car garage."
Upon hearing this, the Priest was a bit taken back, and remarked: "Now Vito, this is starting to get a little out of hand already. It sounds like you stole a lot of wood from that business. For your penance, you're going to have to make a major Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Vito: “I’m not really sure, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
For several years, a married man had been having an illicit affair with a very sexy young Italian woman.
One evening, as they laid in bed right after having hot torrid sex, she decided to confide in him that she recently became aware that she was pregnant with his child.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation in the neighborhood...or his marriage, he quickly told her that he'd pay her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy and secretly have their child over there. She agreed.
He further told her that if she agreed to remain in Italy to raise their child, he would continue to give her money each month and provide extra child support payments until the child turned 18 years old.
She agreed to all of it, but asked how he would know when the baby was born? To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard with the inscription "Spaghetti" written on the back of the card as soon as the baby was born. He would then arrange for the child support payments for her and the baby to begin.
So, one day, about 9 months later, he came home one evening to his very confused wife, who said, "You received a very strange post card in the mailbox today."
"Oh, really? Let me see it." He commented.
So his wife handed him the postcard and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted, hitting the floor like a sack of potatoes.
On the card was written, " Spaghetti...Spaghetti...Spaghetti. Two with meatballs. One with bracciole. So you'd better send a lot more sauce!" -
One evening a very wealthy and religious old woman, who had lived her whole life in a very innocent and celibate way, caught a cat-burglar inside her home ransacking through her things.
The burglar told her straight out, "Listen lady, you better keep quiet if you don't wanna get hurt. Just show me where all your jewels are."
Scared to death, the old woman replied, "I don't keep them here. They are in the bank, in a safe-deposit box."
He retorted, "Then where's all your silverware?"
She said, "I'm so sorry, but it's all been sent out to be cleaned and polished."
Growing more frustrated by the moment, the thief yelled, "Then give me all your money then!"
"I tell you." she said, "I don't keep any cash or valuables on hand."
Now completely pissed off, he growled, "Listen lady, I'm warning you here and now, you'd better give me your cash or I'm gonna physically rip it off of you!"
He then forcefully grabbed her and started pouring over her body, feeling her up and down, around her waist and from her chest to her legs looking for it.
"I keep trying to tell you," she said, "I don't have and money here! But if you do that again, I promise to write you a check."
A Chinese guy and his wife are sleeping. The man rolls over and elbows his wife in the side. She wakes up and he says "I want 69" The wife looks at him and says "you want beef and broccoli NOW"?
A Chinese guy and his wife are sleeping. The man rolls over and elbows his wife in the side. She wakes up and he says "I want 69" The wife looks at him and says "you want beef and broccoli NOW"?
The Middle East reminds me of that old joke about "The optimist and the pessimist"... - The pessimist says "Everything's terrible. It can't get any worse!"
An old man was sitting by himself, having breakfast at a diner, when three scruffy outlaw bikers walked in.
Noticing him sitting there, they immediately walked over to the old guy. The first biker, staring the old man down intently, stuck his lit cigarette directly into the old man’s scrambled eggs.
The second outlaw biker then spit out his chew tobacco right into the old man’s coffee cup.
Seeing his buddies actions, the third biker then joined in by taking the old guy’s plate of bacon and eggs and shoved it completely off the table, smashing the plate all over the floor.
The old man, without ever looking up or saying so much as a single word, got up out of his seat, payed the waitress, and then exited the diner without ever looking back at his antagonists.
The three biker buddies just looked at one another, laughed out loud, and then sat down at the old man’s table.
Commenting to the waitress and everybody within earshot eating at other tables, the lead biker sarcastically remarked, “Not much of a man, is he?”
Turning her gaze from the diner window, the waitress quickly replied back to him, “Looks like he’s not much of a driver either. That man just drove his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.” -
A man escaped from prison, where he'd been locked up for 15 years.
He broke into a nearby home to look for money and guns but found a young couple in bed.
So he ordered the guy out of bed and tied him up to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed posts. He got on top of her, kissing her neck for a bit, then suddenly got up and walked into the bathroom.
While the escaped convict was in there, the husband whispered to his wife, "Listen up babe, the guy must be an escaped convict, just look at his clothes. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't had a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to bang you, don't resist him, don't complain, just do whatever he tells you to do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you."
The husband continued, "This guy is probably very dangerous. And if he gets angry, who knows what he's capable of. He might kill us! Be strong, honey...You know I love you."
To which his wife whispered back, "Babe, he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were very cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom medicine cabinet. Be strong honey...you know I love you too!"
During 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon, there were many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians reportedly lost over 80 fighter planes and had quite a number of SAM Batteries knocked out as well, while the Israelis lost no planes at all.
Sometime later, Syria's Defense Minister visited Moscow, Russia again to shop for more weapons to rebuild their arsenal. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was quite embarrassed about Lebanon's poor military scorecard as a result of the inferior weaponry previously sold to them.
So he told his Syrian guest, "Go ahead and take anything you want. You can have our best tanks, rifles and Surface-to-Air Missiles."
"No! No!" remarked the Syrian Defense Minister, "You don't understand. Last time, you gave us Surface-to-Air Missiles. This time around, make sure you provide us Surface-to-Jet missiles!"
One afternoon little Frankie was sitting in his backyard, when his grandfather came out to join him.
‘Grandpa, I’m bored.” complained Frankie.
“You’re bored? Ok, I’ll tell you what,” replied his Grandfather, as the old man reached down and picked a worm up from the lawn.
“If you can get this worm back into its wormhole, I’ll give you $10. That should keep you occupied for awhile.” replied his grandfather.
Little Frankie scratched his head and thought about what his grandpa had said for a minute or two, then he walked out of the backyard, back into the house, and up the stairs into his mother’s bedroom.
A minute later Frankie walked back out with a can of his mother’s hair spray, put his foot on one end of the worm, stretched the little creature out as far as it would go, and then sprayed the entire worm with the hair spray.
He then waited a minute, let go of the worm, and it was very straight and very stiff.
The boy then looked up at his grandpa as he easily slid the worm right into its little worm hole.
Frankie’s grandfather was simply amazed at the grandson’s ingenuity. He patted little Frankie on the head, he reached into his pocket, pulled out a crisp new $10 bill, and handed it to his grandson as promised.
The very next day, Frankie was playing in his backyard again when his grandpa walked out with a great big smile on his face. The old man reached into his pocket and handed the boy more money…only this time, it was a $20 bill.
Little Frankie looked at the money, and then back up at his grandfather, asking, “Whats this for grandpa?”
“Thats from grandma,” replied the old man. --
...Happy Monday from ButtonGuys of The New York Mafia
The other day a very distraught man called the suicide hotline in Iraq looking for help.
They answered the telephone on the very first ring. And as soon as the man explained that he was feeling suicidal, they got all excited and right away asked if he knew how to drive a truck.
A Jewish guy finds a magic lamp.When he rubs it,a genie appears and tells him that he can grant only one wish. The guy says,"I wish for an end to the fighting,and a lasting peace between Jews and Arabs". The genie says,"that's a pretty tall order,do you have a different wish that is more realistic"? The Jewish guy says "my wife refuses to perform oral sex on me.I would like to have it just once before I die". The genie pauses and then says "let's go back to that peace thing".
A Jewish guy finds a magic lamp.When he rubs it,a genie appears and tells him that he can grant only one wish. The guy says,"I wish for an end to the fighting,and a lasting peace between Jews and Arabs". The genie says,"that's a pretty tall order,do you have a different wish that is more realistic"? The Jewish guy says "my wife refuses to perform oral sex on me.I would like to have it just once before I die". The genie pauses and then says "let's go back to that peace thing".
I gotta admit, I've heard that one before, but its still a cute joke.
A KGB agent walks into a library and sees an old Jewish man sitting at a corner table reading a book.
So the agent walks over to the old man and inquires,“What are you reading, old man?”
The old Jew looks up and replies back, “I’m learning the Hebrew language, comrade."
The KGB agent then asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes many years to even get permission to travel to Israel? You'll die long before you ever get a visa.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven, so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’ll even go to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
The old Jew retorted back, “Well then, I already speak Russian!" -
A Jewish woman and her grandson are strolling on the beach. Suddenly. a huge wave washes over the boy and sweeps him out to sea. The woman falls to her knees and prays,"Lord please spare my grandson". Just then,another wave picks the boy up and deposits him at Grandma's feet. The woman looks up to the sky and says "what happened to his hat"?
A Jewish woman and her grandson are strolling on the beach. Suddenly. a huge wave washes over the boy and sweeps him out to sea. The woman falls to her knees and prays,"Lord please spare my grandson". Just then,another wave picks the boy up and deposits him at Grandma's feet. The woman looks up to the sky and says "what happened to his hat"?
FREAKY FRIDAYS...(here's a real good one that had me laughing for quite awhile...Maybe a few of you will find the humor and irony in it as well.) --
A few years back, I heard about a very sick guy from the Bronx who was so into Sadomasochism that he decided to join a BDSM sex club in Westchester County…But he soon got kicked out by the other degenerates.
Well, according to the dictionary, he would be called A “DOM” or A Sir. And I guess if he were of Italian extraction, and involved in that sort of low-life degenerate activity, he would then been referred to as A Dominick.
The Sons of Some Mob Guys Fall Very Far From The Tree!... - (Here's a humorous little tale some of you may find interesting)...
Many years ago, back in the 1980s, a mother was cleaning her family’s Bronx home when she discovered a large number of BDSM sex magazines hidden beneath her son’s bed.
Very upset by all the degenerate sexual content her young son was obviously getting ‘off’ on, and very confused as to what to do about it, she reluctantly called her knockaround husband into their son’s bedroom to show him the bevy of sordid bondage magazines, dildos, makeup and women’s clothes she had found. She commented to him, “Honey, this kid of ours is really sick in the head. What the hell do you think we should do about him?”
Thinking about what a total degenerate his son was, the embarrassed father just looked down and shook his head in total disgust, then frowned and replied to her, “I’m not really sure honey, but I guess spanking him is definitely out of the question!”
SO, WHAT'S IN A NAME?...LOL, LET'S FIND OUT, SHALL WE? -
A man once had four sons from four different women, and he decided to name them Brodwell, Kenneth, Conrad & Dominick.
One day the four sons approached their father and asked him why he had given them those particular names...and was there any deeper meaning behind them?
The father scornfully retorted, “If you wanna know the real reason why you got those names, all you gotta do is take the first three letters of each name and then put them together…and you’ll have your answer! -
...one tough "break" as it were...and the poor guy's been suffering with his "mistakes" ever since! LOL
A Dom just started taking an advanced one-on-one ‘Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism’ class. Unfortunately his BDSM teacher was out sick last week.
Sammy Sadsack's wife Mable just left him. She said his entire life revolved around football and she was just sick and tire of it and couldn't take it anymore.
Sammy was completely shocked and didn't understand why she left him, complaining to a buddy, "I'm really upset. After all, Mable and I had been together for 7 seasons already.
I bumped into a friend of mine who said someone’s been trying to hack into his computer. So as a precaution, he changed all his logins passwords to one single, unique word, “Kenny”
He now feels very secure with all his Kenny logins.
I bumped into a friend of mine who said someone’s been trying to hack into his computer. So as a precaution, he changed all his logins passwords to one single, unique word, “Kenny”
He now feels very secure with all his Kenny logins.
Amazon just announced that from now on, if you login into their website during holiday sales, you MAY save up to 70%…..But I’m advising that if you don’t login, you will DEFINITELY save a full 100%
Someone's been attempting to break into our computer system lately. They’ve literally tried entering thousands of silly login passwords and ridiculous combinations, on a succession of days…with absolutely no success whatsoever.
But this last attempt must have really left them frustrated, not to mention very embarrassed. After they entered the word “penis” the computer system immediately kicked it back with the response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
PS: Afterwards, they must have been mumbling to themselves, "How the heck did it know?"
Someone's been attempting to break into our computer system lately. They’ve literally tried entering thousands of silly login passwords and ridiculous combinations, on a succession of days…with absolutely no success whatsoever.
But this last attempt must have really left them frustrated, not to mention very embarrassed. After they entered the word “penis” the computer system immediately kicked it back with the response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
PS: Afterwards, they must have been mumbling to themselves, "How the heck did it know?"
I got very disappointed the other day. I spent 20 bucks on a book called "Making it Big". Turns out it was about money.
My friend just installed a very high-tech toilet bowl in his restaurant thats connected to Wi-Fi. And almost immediately he received a notification that read….”It seems there’s been an unexpected log in."
A new company recently opened in Upstate New York. They advertise to farmers they come and clean up the feces of their livestock. They call themselves WPB, Inc., an abbreviation for, “We Push Bullshit.”
PS: My understanding is that they'll also provide you a free booklet, about how you too, can push bullshit if you so desire.
One day, Mrs. Esposito came to visit her son Anthony to have dinner.
Anthony lived with a female roommate named Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty her son's roommate was. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mother's thoughts, Anthony replied, "I know what you must be thinking mama, but I assure you, Maria and I are just platonic roommates.''
About a week later, Maria approached Anthony and softly broached the question, "Anthony, ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't think she would take it, do you?"
"I seriously doubt it, but I'll email her anyway and ask just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email...
"Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it's been missing ever since you were here for dinner...Your Loving Son, Anthony" - A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his mama which read:
"My dear Anthony, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she certainly would have found the sugar bowl by now...Your Loving Mama ---
The moral of the story is...Never try and "Boo Sheeta" you Mama!
I was at the local travel agency the other day reading about different countries to visit. And I must say, tourists who have visited Syria give it very nice reviews.
At the World Women’s Day Conference, the first speaker, who was from England, came up to the podium to address the assembled crowd: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and informed my husband Nigel that I would no longer cook for him, and that from now on he would have to do it all himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But by the third day I saw that he had took to the stove and cooked a wonderful roasted lamb."
The entire audience of women stood up and cheered her….
Then the second speaker, from America, came to the podium and stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Ken that I would no longer do his laundry, and that from now on he would have to wash and fold it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I saw that he had done his laundry, and not only that, but he had done my wash as well."
Once again, the wildly enthusiastic audience stood up and applauded her speech….
Then the third speaker, a woman from Southern Italy, walked up to the podium and spoke: "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband Peppino that I would no longer do his shopping, and that from that day forward he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I was able see a little bit out of my left eye." -
The United States recently resurrected their Outer Space Exploration Program. In fact, NASA is now so fully committed to it, that they’ve opened up a 24-hour restaurant on the moon to serve astronauts and other space workers.
Several restaurants critics and “foodies” have already eaten there and written reviews. They all say the same thing, that the food is really great, but that the place has absolutely no atmosphere. -
For instance, I’ll log into Facebook and see that everyone I know is down at our local bar. Then I’ll go down to the bar, and see that everyone is on Facebook.
Did you hear about the baby that was born with 5 penises ? He looked strange, but his diapers fit him like a glove.
A guy runs into the E.R with his 3 yr old son and tells the doctor that the kid swallowed a 50 cent piece. They send the kid to the X-Ray Dept. After about 10 minutes,the Doctor comes out,and the Dad asks,"how's my son" The Doc replies "still no change".
A guy is getting a prostate exam. The Doc says "you know,it's not unusual to get an erection during this procedure" The guy says "but I don't have an erection" The Doctor says "no,but I do"
The other day a friend of mine told me that he lost his job as a waiter at an Italian restaurant because, apparently, he had unwittingly insulted a major Mafia boss by taking away his plate of macaroni.
...But he explained that he thought the guy said he was Don!
The Palm Sunday Donation... - One Palm Sunday, a Catholic Priest, while addressing his congregation, explained that the church was having a hard time meeting its obligations financially and needed some extra money.
So he asked his flock to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate that Sunday. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed around and collected, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a crisp $1,000 bill in the collection plate.
He was so excited that he immediately expressed his joy to the congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had been so generous to the church.
Suddenly, a very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back pew shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to please up come to the front. So, with the help of a cane, the old woman very slowly walked up to the alter where the pastor was standing.
He joyfully sang her praises and told her how wonderful it was that she had donated so much money. Then, as a measure of his gratitude, the priest asked her to pick out whichever three hymns she desired.
Her eyes quickly brightened up as she gazed over the congregation. She then pointed to the three most handsome men sitting in the pews and said, "I'll take him, him, and him." -
ButtonGuys wishes those who celebrate a Happy Palm Sunday!
......same SHIT here too....this thread should be in the general forum too....why are you polluting the OC forum with stupd stuff like these...reported!
Branches of the dreaded Mafia seem to be everywhere...
For instance, Oceanographers and Marine Biologists recently discovered that there's even a Mafia faction among marine life, operating deep at the bottom of the ocean.
It's a true watery criminal "underworld" so to speak, and that hoodlum fish have a distinct underworld hierarchy and are led by a boss fish known as, The Codfather.
Branches of the dreaded Mafia seem to be everywhere...
For instance, Oceanographers and Marine Biologists recently discovered that there's even a Mafia faction among marine life, operating deep at the bottom of the ocean.
It's a true watery criminal "underworld" so to speak, and that hoodlum fish have a distinct underworld hierarchy and are led by a boss fish known as, The Codfather.
It's run by Big Tuna,and they make a lot of money Loan-Sharking.
Branches of the dreaded Mafia seem to be everywhere...
For instance, Oceanographers and Marine Biologists recently discovered that there's even a Mafia faction among marine life, operating deep at the bottom of the ocean.
It's a true watery criminal "underworld" so to speak, and that hoodlum fish have a distinct underworld hierarchy and are led by a boss fish known as, The Codfather.
It's run by Big Tuna,and they make a lot of money Loan-Sharking.
A slightly-deranged woman was in First District Court, standing before the sentencing judge, after copping a plea to having beaten her guitar-playing husband to death.
Reviewing her case history file, the judge noticed the woman had no previous criminal record. So the judge asked her, "first offender?"
She quickly replied back to him, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
“Once, my father came home and found me in the house standing before a huge roaring fire. That really made him mad because we didn’t even have a fireplace.”
Guy comes home from work and his wife is on her hands and knees,bare naked,scrubbing the kitchen floor. He figures what the heck,drops his pants,and does what comes naturally. After he finishes,he punches her as hard as he can on the back of her head. She yells "what the hell was that for?" Hubby says "for not turning around to see who it was".
Guy comes home from work and his wife is on her hands and knees,bare naked,scrubbing the kitchen floor. He figures what the heck,drops his pants,and does what comes naturally. After he finishes,he punches her as hard as he can on the back of her head. She yells "what the hell was that for?" Hubby says "for not turning around to see who it was".
“Although completely insignificant in the scheme of things, gnats and mosquitoes are annoying and are carriers of disease. So make sure to do your part and swat a few today.”
…This has been a Public Service announcement. Lol.
A repeat offender was standing in criminal court before the judge for stealing a pair of shoes.
Judge: "I'm very disappointed in you. Because it was only two years ago that you were standing here before me for stealing a pair of shoes, and I gave you a break and placed you on probation. Now you're here again for the exact same offense!"
Defendant: "You're absolutely correct your honor, and I do apologize. But they just don't make shoes like they used to."
A repeat offender gets busted and when he appears in court,the Judge says "I thought I told you last time that I never wanted to see you in my courtroom again." The guy says,"Your Honor,I told the cops that,but they brought me here anyway."
A repeat offender gets busted and when he appears in court,the Judge says "I thought I told you last time that I never wanted to see you in my courtroom again." The guy says,"Your Honor,I told the cops that,but they brought me here anyway."
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, a genie appeared. The genie said to her, "I can grant you one wish, but only one wish! So...what will it be?"
The young woman thought for a moment, and then pulled out a map of the Middle East from her back pack.
"See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc.? Well I want them all to live in peace" she said.
The Genie studied the map, then commented, What the fuck, lady! These countries have been fighting one another for hundreds of years. This is impossible, better try another wish," the Genie grunted.
"Well" responded the young woman, "then I want the perfect man. A guy who is kind, compassionate, and gentle, who likes children and housework, loves to cook, and will help me clean the house...even if it's Super Bowl Sunday."
The puzzled Genie just stared at the young woman for a long, hard minute, and then finally retorted, "Show me that fucking map again, lady." -
A guy's not feeling good so the doctor runs a bunch of tests. When he calls the guy in to give him the results,he tells him "I've got good news and bad news." Guy says "gimme the bad news first". Doc says "you have 6 months to live". The guy then says "what's the good news"? The doctor leans over and whispers "I'm screwing my nurse"
A drunken man stumbles upon a baptism by the River Jordan. The priest is standing there dunking people's heads underwater and when they emerge, the priest would ask if they'd found Jesus.
So the drunk wanders down to the river to join in. He stands in line and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks the man's head under the water. When he pulls the man back up, the priest then asked the man if he has found Jesus, to which the man replied no!
So the priest dunked him underwater again...but this time for a little longer. Once again the priest pulls the man up out of the water and asks if he's found Jesus, but once again the man replies no!
So the priest dunks him under a third time, only this time he kept the man underwater for a long while. When he finally pulled him back up the priest asked if he'd finally found Jesus, to which the man asked, "Are you positive this is where the guy fell in?"
One afternoon, an American, a Japanese, and a Bosnian were chatting over a cup of coffee and the discussion turned to political elections.
The American, proud of his country, stated; "In America, in less than 2 hours after the casting of the election ballots, we pretty much already know who will win the race."
The proud Japanese, not to be outdone, retorted; "That’s nothing! In Japan, we get the election results within 2 minutes."
Thinking he had them beat, the clueless Bosnian mocked them and remarked; "I don’t get it fellas. Why does it take both your countries so long? In Bosnia, we already know who got elected 2 months before our Election Day."
A man from the Balkans and a man from Japan were talking about priorities in life.
The man from Japan commented: “For me, my family is first, then comes Japan, and then comes my job.”
The guy from the Balkans thought hard for a few minutes and then replied, “For me, it is the exact opposite. My job comes first, then my family, and then comes Japan.”
Last week Hapless Harry took his wife and kids to church for Sunday Mass. During the priest’s liturgy the collection baskets were passed around for offerings from the parishioners. So, being the generous good Catholic he was, when the usher came around with the collection basket Harry made sure to reach into his pocket and pull out a $50 bill that he placed into the basket.
At that very moment, another parishioner sitting in the pew directly behind Harry tapped him on the shoulder and handed him five $100 bills. Harry just smiled at the man, took the money and placed the $500 into the collection basket also.
But thinking about it, Harry became so impressed with the man’s generosity that he felt compelled to turn around compliment the man about his large offering to the church.
The man just smiled back and replied, “Don’t mention it my friend. After all, I saw it fall out as you reached into your pocket.”
Here's one the forum might enjoy. This little gem is titled….
“THE KNOW IT ALL” (aka The Schmuck)
One day, an American, a Macedonian, and a Russian were discussing space exploration and how they could reach the planets.
The American said, I think I can get to Mars!
The Russian and Macedonian looked at one another and then asked him, “And just how would you do that?”
But the American just smiled coyly, and then replied, “Thats really none of your business.”
Hearing what the American said, the Russian became very agitated and nervous. He quickly retorted back, “Then I’ll go to Venus!”
The American and Macedonian asked him, “How?”
The Russian smirked back at them and commented, “I’m still working out the details. But somehow, I will go there. You will see. And It’s none of your business.”
.…The American and the Russian started arguing about their respective space plans.
Afraid of being outdone, the Macedonian thought long and hard for a minute, quickly coming up with his “master plan.” To the surprise of the other two men, he blurted out, “I’m going to travel to the sun!”
Upon hearing his ridiculous statement, the American and Russian just looked at one another for a moment, then burst out laughing in the face of the Macedonian.
They commented back to him, “So, you’re going to travel to the sun, huh? Ha-Ha! You’re such a fool! Are you a crazy man? You must be out of your mind, because the blazing sun is so hot that you can’t even get close to it…You would melt in a split-second!”
The hotheaded Macedonian became so angered by their response, because he was so confident that he had everything all figured out, the Macedonian smugly retorted back with false bravado, “YOU are the only fools here! Going to the sun will be no big problem for me! You see gentlemen, I have it all figured out. I am a Macedonian and I’m much more intelligent than the both of you!.…I plan to travel there at night!”
Under pressure from animal rights groups,research companies have decided to replace lab rats with lawyers. They cited 3 reasons for this. 1) There are a lot more lawyers than there are rats. 2) Scientists don't get as emotionally attached to lawyers as they do rats. 3) There are some things that even a rat won't do.
One day, a tribe of 40 Gypsies all suddenly died and went up to Heaven.
They turned up at the Pearly Gates, asking St. Peter to let them in.
Upon seeing the huge crowd, St. Peter told them he did not have room to accommodate all 40 of them, that he only had room for 10. So he then advised them to go away and discuss among themselves which 10 would come in.
…A short while later, St. Peter went to see God and told him, “They’re gone!”
![[Linked Image]](https://i.imgur.com/xBasPFU.jpeg)
![[Linked Image]](https://i.ibb.co/N6Fq6xW/IMG-1247f5cae7014645a624ad9018e0b81b-V.jpg)
![[Linked Image]](https://i.ibb.co/nmtyzTW/200w-4.gif)
![[Linked Image]](https://toppng.com/uploads/preview/meme-cringe-harold-dank-freetoedit-cringe-harold-115629829958cyz0hdef7.png)